On The Downward Path

Tomorrow I will pick up some of my things from the storage unit that Stephanie got. She still hasn't gotten everything moved but it appears that if I don't move some of it out she won't have enough room for everything. Of course, I was only given the information on the storage unit with the understanding that I would make sure to not be there when she was.

I am not sure how much longer I can take this. Every person must know and accept their limitations in life, and I feel I am quickly reaching mine. It is not a thought that I am fond of, but how much can one person bear? I am a criminal that has committed no crime, yet sentenced the ultimate punishment and left with the internal battle to either die over and over every day for the rest of my existence or take the easy way out and spare myself the constant torture. It is one hell of fight in my mind. I mentioned once before that you can't cheat death. As a soldier I faced death on a few occasions and Stephanie is the only reason that I pulled myself through it. This time there is no one to fight for. I don't fear my death, I learned to accept it long ago; soon I will forced to pay the devil what he is due, cause even if there is a heaven they will never let me in.

Everyone keeps saying that it will get better with time, but they just don't get it. Time is my enemy, as my thoughts of her are my tortures. Time. Nothing but time to ask what I did wrong, yet I know the answer, Nothing. Pure illogic. Sentenced and abandoned for nothing, no crime other than loving her and putting my soul on the line to make it work only to face the final betrayal with the highest stakes. Maybe that is why there is hate in life, to keep us from loving too completely. It is a fatal mistake.

I never intended for this blog to become this, it was to be a collection of interesting experiences and great adventures full of hopes and dreams becoming reality with the last woman I will love by my side. But instead it is becoming my memoirs. But, maybe it will help those that I will leave behind to understand the reason why. I hope that they will understand, and I hope that when the time comes that they can forgive me. Even if they can't forgive, I pray that no one blames themselves. And before anyone passes judgment on me, this is not something that I am taking lightly. But what good is life if you can't share it with someone you love? Life is only as precious as those who you share it with, without that your not really alive, you are just existing for the sake of existing.

I remember the question asked "Why are we here?" We are here to enrich each others lives, but we have forgotten that somehow. We are all too concerned with ourselves, and our own self importance, and it is all without meaning. With someone that we love by our side life has meaning, but without it... Some will say I am being selfish and maybe that is partly true. Life isn't scripted, and nothing is set in stone. It is the choices that we make in life that direct out destiny, but sometimes choices that others make affect our lives more than we can adapt for. I wish that I had the strength to get up off my knees, but I also understand futility. I have forever lost my soulmate and have tried everything I know to make her understand how much she means to me, and it is not enough. If you willing will give up everything and yet it still means nothing to a person who you know loves you, then what is left? And what is the point of continuing on when your everything is still not good enough, and has no worth to the only person it should have meaning to? How do you justify your worth in life after that? God, Why do I love her more than I love life it'self.

Maybe I will find the answers before I finaly break, before the pain can completely consume me. Maybe life is simply testing my resolve. Maybe Stephanie is testing me, though I doubt it. I have never know her to use betrayal as a way of testing a person. So I don't think that is it.

But I must try to endure as long as I can, as life is a cruel mistress, and she enjoys watching us suffer right up to the point we can't take an ounce of pain more and then gives us salvation to remind us just how precious life can be. Maybe both Stephanie and I are being tested, to see if we are strong enough to pull each other through and if we are worthy of happiness together.

Only time will tell and a Whiskey Lullaby, but can I withstand it long enough to find out.