Next Steps

Well the moving is over now. I picked up the last of my things from Stephanies storage unit and returned the trailer the other day. While I am content that this part of things is done I really hate that it had to happen at all, it has been very trying on me mentally and emotionally (not that I can say I am doing all that great in those areas anyway).

But now it has come down to, Is this really the final end? Or is there still the possibility to start over and fix things? While there is no way we can just pick up where things left off, that wouldn't work or do anyone any good, I hope that she will at least consider trying to rebuild our relationship. I am not sure why she has been so negative about everything anyway. Maybe when she will allow me to see her, so we can talk face to face I can find out what I did to deserve that.

It occurred to me today just how much these events have disturbed me, from the very cold and heartless telephone breakup phone call to her refusal to even face me up until now. I guess I just feel that after 12 years I deserved a little better than that. I have never know Stephanie to act or react in this fashion, or betray everything she has always touted that she stands for. Maybe she is just trying to teach me a lesson, one that I won't forget? Or maybe that is just my survival instinct holding on to any hope possible. I don't even know anymore, and I don't understand any of it. I have never known Stephanie to hide from anyone before which does make me curious, is there something that she doesn't want me to see in her? Maybe she is pregnant, and afraid of how I would react? Would explain allot but I don't really believe that that is it. My mind is just jumping from one conclusion to another, madly scrambling to try and understand all the events of the past month, all in vain.

I hope that I will get to see her soon as I really need the paperwork she was getting for me to get my trucking job. Without it I am pretty well screwed, and I need to get that done this week somehow. I know she won't see me while she has her married ex-lover and his wife visiting. I wonder if his wife knows, or if she would even care as I understand their marriage.

I nearly snapped yesterday and thought about just driving up there un-announced, confronting the whole lot and clearing the air and leveling the field. I know that her ex-lover has allot to do with Stephanies decision to up and leave me out of the blue and the way she did it, and a part of me really wants to settle the score. But I know what that would mean. I know that no matter what after that Stephanie would never speak to me again, much less try to fix things between us, and she means allot more to me right now than any anger I feel toward anyone. But it is getting harder to keep these darker thoughts out of my mind, and I really don't want them to consume me. It is not who I am or who I want to be.

So what do I do now? Do I just wait? I don't know what to do. I a few weeks I will have to fly back to Wisconsin to get my Hazmat put on my license, I found out that my "Home State" is the only place that can do that and that I cannot get it done here in California. I am not sure how I am going to manage that, as my move to CA has nearly wiped me out financially. My fuel costs alone where 2.5X higher than I anticipated.

I really need to start driving truck soon. One to get some income to pay the bills, and 2, to give my mind something to do. I have nothing to think about or focus on other than Stephanie, and when we do talk it always seems like it is a major inconvenience no matter what the subject, and that hurts like hell; but at the same time it feels good to hear her voice.

Well enough of my ramblings, time to play some poker online. Who needs sleep, I will get plenty when I am dead.