3 Days And Counting

Well today I stopped at the local library to use their computers to make a decent post. Where I am at in Wisconsin I am unable to use my cellphones web browser to make email posts, and therefore am limited to 130 character posts via text message. As I stated in my last post, my attempt to get my Hazmat endorsement put on my license has become a fiasco, even though I was told over the phone that everything was ready 2 weeks ago! When I got out here I called the DMV and they had no info on my Hazmat, even though I explained that I talked to a Jean there and was told that everything was ready. Apparently, someone was having a little fun at my expense as there is no Jean that works at the DMV office, and the DMV has not been notified that my Hazmat endorsement has cleared. So my next phone call was to the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration), who is handling my background check and fingerprints. Once again stonewalled. They know nothing either, and have to get some manager to look at my case, as the peons apparently just get paid to look pretty, not actually do anything. Ahhh, our tax dollars at work!!!

I will be at DeBoer on Monday morning to start orientation and training. It is about a 3 hr drive from where I am at, but it beats the 9 hr greyhound bus ride I would have to take otherwise. Of course there are always things one forgets to consider, that in hindsight makes perfect sense; like a sleeping bag instead of bedding, and an electric shaver instead of razors and blades. I am sure that list will get bigger as things progress, but I am not sure just how much more stuff my very large suitcase can handle. I was told to bring enough clothing for several weeks. Not a problem. I just don't want to bring so much that it becomes a problem, know what I mean?

On the personal front of things, Stephanie and I are once again able to have a civil conversation, and I really hope that we can keep it that way. I really find it funny that in the 12 years we were together, we never fought, yet after she left me, we have fought more than in all the time we have know each other. Odd.

something else that has me a bit befuddled is a conversation that we had last night. She had asked if she could have the use of my car, as it will only be sitting and not used while I am on the road. But this sort of brings up the point, that there are advantages to people being together. You share assets that you both have. I am not sure if it is my hurt pride speaking or not, but it seems to me, why should I go out of my way and expense to provide things for her that were not very important to her before she decided to leave? Other than the increased costs of my insurance and having to keep up the maintance on my car to handle the additional driving she would be doing, what incentive is there for me to do this? Not to mention, the logistical issues of me getting back my car when I want it. Am screwed up in the head here? Or am I making sense? Let me know folks, could use some outside points of view on this one.

The 4th will be Stephanies birthday, and I am not really sure what I am going to do for it. I thought about sending flowers, but what flowers does one send to their EX? So I am thinking I will just send a card.

HazWhat?

Hello from wisconsin! Called the DMV today to add my hazmat endorsment, that sent me to TSA who have no clue. Great!

Call Back

Things have been pretty un-eventfull, but tension is building as things get closer to my start date. I am flying back to Wisconsin on monday and a week later, it is off to orientation. So after Sunday I will updating my blog via email, and by computer when I get access to one.

I got a post card in the mail today from my US Express recruiter. It makes me laugh. I called him 4 times a day for a week straight, leaving 4 messages a day asking him to call me back. Never did, but he had time to send me a post card asking me to call him. WTF! Trucking companies are always saying how difficult it is to get drivers, well shit, I have an idea, RETURN THEIR CALLS! But I will call him back to let him he missed the boat. I will also call my Crete recruiter and inform them that I have choosen another carrier to go with. Crete was always on top of things, and called often to check on how things were progressing. No fault with them at all.

Big Road, Here I Come!!!

Well today I made the big decision, I called DeBoer and scheduled my start date, October 3rd!!! I have mentioned in previous posts why I was choosing between Crete and DeBoer, and I just like their freight routes better than the extra money offered by Crete. If it don't work out the way I like with DeBoer after a year I will look at going over to Crete, but I like everything I have seen and heard so far.

My training will be at their terminal near Stevens Point, WI and I am making arrangements to leave California on Monday. This will give me a week to get my license updated with my hazmat endorsement and get settled and ready to work.

Heads You Win, Tails I lose

Yesterday I got some great news. I was pre-hired by DeBoer! So now I have to choose between Crete Carriers and DeBoer. This is going to be a tough choice. Both are good carriers, Crete pays about $.05 cents more per mile than DeBoer does and has higher training pay. However this is put against the fact that Crete runs mostly East Coast where DeBoer runs a more true 48 states and has a better percentage of "No-Touch" Freight than Crete. Quite the coin toss, however I am leaning more toward Deboer as I feel they will run more in line with the way I would like to run, have terminals and drop yards where I have friends and family which should make it a little easier to visit them.

On the personal battle front, things have once again gone to hell. I talked to Stephanie last night about getting the engagement ring back which lead to a fight. Why a fight? Well I guess it is because I am not willing to believe her lies anymore and she doesn't like it. She has taken the "holier than thou" position, that this is all my fault once again, and that I have no right to feel hurt or betrayed by her. As a matter of fact according to her I have no right to feel anything, and should just give her anything she wants, they way she wants, and basically take it up the ass with a smile. Well I have taken it up the ass for the last year by her and, yea, no longer playing her game.

I guess one of her 2 new boyfriends/lovers or whatever, doesn't like fact that I would still be her friend after all this and so she is trying to make sure I won't even want be that to please them. Ohh yes, 2. That is the newest revelation. She is now "in love" with 2 men. Now where did I leave my "God I am fucking STUPID" tee-shirt at? Something else I have noticed, in every conversation, ususally in a fight over the phone, she likes to claim I am calling her a whore, yet I have never used those words or even alluded to that. Well babe, if your reading this, I would say your conscience is try to tell you something! Cause your the only one saying it, but that is your problem, don't try and make it mine.

Guys, stick with the 5 points of love, "Find'em, Feel'em, Finger'em, Fuck'em, FORGET THEM!" Best advice your ever going to get! People like to say that women are sweet caring creatures, but only the end part really applies, Creatures. Cold, heartless, and uncaring creatures. Love is a man's downfall, and a woman's game. If you play the game, your going to get burned, lose half of everything you own as well as 40% of your paycheck till she finds another sucker. I know, sounds hard to believe, but just look at the divorce statitics for proof. Only 5% of divorces happen because the guy did something to force the issue. If your already married, my advice is start working on an exit strategy NOW! At least then you might come out of it in one piece, and I promise it will happen. Mark my words. If your thinking about getting married, DON'T!!! That smiling to-be bride is all an act, she is smiling at just how stupid you are and that she has you right where she wants you. You want to find out just how much she "loves" you. Give her a cheap $100 ring, hand her a prenumpual agreement and see what happens. Ohhh, then it will a whole different story! Suddenly she will be pissed off to all hell, and will say anything she can to get you to give her a fancy $5000 ring and to drop the pre-nump if you really "LOVE HER". Doesn't it strike you as odd, that women say you only love them when they are getting something out of it? When for you the man, it is "all risk, hoping she will be your reward"? Even Vegas wouldn't take those odds. So why should you?

I can hear the critics already, I am just a burned cynic. The funny thing is they will say the same thing about you when you go through it and try to warn your fellow man.

Well that is enough of my soapbox, right ladies?

Life And Death

The past 2 days have been a bit eventful for me. The other day my dads Cocker Spaniel "Lady", knocked my dads dinner plate on the floor and swallowed a large piece of meat. That piece of meat got stuck in her throat to the point where the dog couldn't breathe. I tried to remove the large piece of meat from her throat but only succeeded in losing a chunk of meat from my finger! So I was forced to wait till our dog lost conscience then tried again. I still couldn't pull the piece of meat out, my came to where me and dog were in the front yard, and was able to push the piece of meat down her throat, but by this time she was no longer breathing. Being an animal person, I know animal physiology to an extent. With this knowledge, I was able to give our dog CPR, and knew exactly where to push on her belly to force her lungs to compress. After doing this for what seemed like 5 mins (I am sure it was only 1 or so) she finally started breathing on her own again much to my father and I's relief. We took her to the vet emergency hospital and after getting an X-Ray and blood test to check the amount of C02 in her blood, she was given a clean bill of health. Hell, the darn dog is doing better than my finger is!

On Thursday I got a call from Crete Carriers, and they have offered me a pre-hire. That is good news, as things are getting very dicey on the financial front of things. I also got a call from DeBoer, and am waiting to hear back from them as well. No matter what I will make a decision by the end of the month.

On the personal front, things have become confusing once again and I don't really know how to address it. I asked Stephanie for the engagement ring back, and that is when things got confusing. She stated that she didn't want to return it, in case she changed her mind or we found our way back to each other. But this is contrary to everything else she has told me, (AKA, move on dude, there is no light at the end of this tunnel). So what do I do? Do I just kill off that part of me that so badly wants to hold on to hope that things will work out later, and demand the ring back? Or do I keep hope alive, go on about my life (well at least what is left of it) and hope time is all she really needs and that we will work things out? I want to believe in that possible future, I really do. But am I just deluding myself? Trying to hold on to a fantasy that will never come true because I want it too so badly and love her so much. And if I do hold on, and things never work out, what will become of me then after holding on for so long? Is this MY leap of faith? I just don't know what to think or what to do anymore.

Love Is Just Never Enough

Sorry about the lack of posts lately but I have had a pretty hard few days. Stephanie and I have met a few times, and spent the night in a hotel on Sunday. It was a very enjoyable day and wonderful night, where we relived the way things used to be. For me it was filled with many mixed emotions. Sort of one last night for old times, and will be the last time we ever make love. It has been a very painful few days, that a part of me wishes she felt as well. I did my best to show her and make her understand how much I do love her, but I wonder if love is what she ever really felt or if she even knows what it is.

It is easy to leave someone that you have no true feelings for. I have broken off a few relationships that were fun while they lasted, but I never had any true feeling for those people, but I never lead on that I did either. You have to be very careful of using those 3 little words, "I love you", because people take those words to heart. I believed those words, and it is hard to learn that all I believed was not as it was presented. At least I now know why Stephanie resisted setting a wedding date. Guess, I should have paid closer attention to those seemingly simple reasons, and delays, and yet I still love her. Even after all this. We have one last thing to do to completely end our formal relationship and any future there ever could be of one. The returning of a precious promise a man gives a woman he loves, the engagement ring.

I wish she would have returned it when we spent the night together. I mean how many times can a person heart break before there is nothing left inside that can be broken? But it is the only way that the part of me that has hope can die along with everything else that has been slaughtered. I will never allow myself to go through this hell again. It just isn't worth the price, when Love Just Isn't Enough.

Above it all, I wish I could wake up from this awful dream called life, but then again.....everything dies.

Beyond the absolute destruction of my personal life, I have finally been able to make some head way on getting the police report from my old insurance company. I will have to wait till Thursday to get and fax it to my recruiters. I faxed all the paperwork that I had to get to my recruiters today, and will send the police report on Thursday. Then it is back to Wisconsin to get my hazmat endorsement put on my license, and choose a company, provided I get the pre-hire from them. I am still torn on how I want to run. Regional western, Midwest or nationwide. Other than my familiarity with the west coast and my family, and the fact that Stephanie has made it very clear she wants as little to do with me as possible and even staying friends is pushing things, I really have very little reason to stay out here. I think I will hold off on that decision till the time comes, but at least the ball is starting to roll once again.

Moving Forward? Maybe.

While Stephanie and I had a fight on Tuesday I am not sure it was a bad thing. Last night we were able to have a very good talk and it might be the breakthrough that we both need to establish where we go from here, and allow us to both move on. While I am excited at this possibility it is still up to her to embrace it. I have found , at least for myself anyway, that acceptance seems to come and go. I can accpet my new roll in things, but it only lasts for so long. Without the ability to embrace that newley accepted roll, I find that it quickly fades and have a hard time holding on to it. It is sorta of like my mind makes these things a limited time offer, either everyone gets on board or the offer expires and I and left grasping at straws once again.

Tonight I will find out if Stephanie and I are going to meet for the first time since our break up. I had asked if we could meet on Friday, get business done and have a simple lunch. Nothing more, nothing less. They say a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step. I hope that I will finally be able to take that fist step to moving on.

Pretty soon I will be forced to travel back to Wisconsin to get my license updated with my hazmat endorsement, and powers that be willing, I will be able to get the paperwork and other things ndone that I need to with Stephanie so I can finish my long application process to getting a driving job. Once I start working things will be much easier. I will not have all this idle time on my hands and hopefully will be able to establish where Stephanie and I stand. (knocks on wood)

Demons That Won't Let Me Be

I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like sword stuck in my chest, tears streaming down my face. At first I wasn't sure what was going on or where I was. But then it all came to me, it was a nightmare. One that hit just a little too close to home. It was pretty disturbing to say the least, but I know what the message was trying to remind me of. In my dream, Stephanie and I were still together I think, as she was holding our baby child (we don't have children, but I was looking forward to having one). She was saying something to me about how I didn't matter and how she didn't love me, and I called her a liar. She then said "I will prove it" and pulled out a knife and slit our child's throat and laughed.

Now while this was just a horrid dream, I know what my mind was reminding that the one person I wanted to have children with, and that hope was gone. Things like that you don't really think of in the midst of things. I am nearly 30, so my time to start a family is getting pretty slim. I hadn't thought of that with Stephanies leaving, but apparently my mind felt the urge to remind me. A memo would do just fine next time, really. So much lost, such great plans for the future destroyed all with 3 little words, "I'm Leaving You", and with it a destiny turned to dust. Like a pebble in a calm pond, the effects seem to touch everything.

Time is a precious thing, don't waste it and don't take those in it for granted. It is the one thing all the money in the world can't buy. Don't let your pride or fear make you do things that you will live to regret, because when you look back and realize all you have lost, it will be far to late to change it.

Dr.Jeckle & Mr. Hyde

What I thought was a really positive and good talk with Stephanie yesterday, today turned into a near fight in half the time. I don't know why she chooses to act this way, one day nice as can be, the next a total bitch. Yesterday I felt that I at least still had my friend, today I am not so sure of that. At times she acts like we are still best friends and the next she treats me like a murdering rapist who was just let out on parole. I had hoped we would be able to remain close friends and let the future be what it may keeping in mind the old saying "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it is meant to be". But it seems that I am the only one once again trying. Lately it feels like climbing a steep hill and she keeps moving the peak just out of reach. It is frustrating, which leads to anger, and I am tired of being brought to anger. It is not her I am angry at, it is the things she does and the way she does it that gets me upset.

For 2 weeks I have been patiently waiting for her to give me an hour of her time. But she has yet to do so for me, she has this time for everyone else, just not for me. I think I have earned an hour of her time. Am I wrong to think that? Am I wrong to think that after 12 years I should be worth 1 hour of her time? Is that asking too much? Apparently it is to her, which tells me just how I am regarded in her world. So it looks like I have not only been abandoned by my lover, but by a person who was my closest friend as well. I guess that should say volumes, when your not even worth a person as a friend, you become no one. Less than no one, a non-person. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Charles Manson had lots of friends and he was a serial murder, yet I have done nothing but love a woman and she doesn't even regard me or want me even as a friend. Now that is fucked up.

I guess Stephanie is taking a page from Shawn's email and burning the bridge just as fast as she can. I just wish she would have waited till I got off of it before hand. Ohh well, sucks to be me I guess.

Slow Turning Wheels

It has been a few days since my last post, not because I have been busy just the opposite, unfortunately. The holiday has caused more delays in me trying to get things accomplished. I am still trying to get my old insurance company to get me a copy of my accident report from back in 2002, but they are not sure if they even have the records anymore. I think they do, after all they did pay the claim. Now I just have to hope they will give me the info.

I have also had a bit of trouble finding some of my paperwork that got lost in the mix of my moving. That is the one thing I hate about moving, you can never find what you need afterwards no matter how carefully you are. I tried for a while today with no success, and will go back tomorrow and try looking some more.

Yesterday Stephanie and I had a nice long talk on the phone. I think I have made some headway to understanding some things, but others I still don't quite get. But I hope that after our talk we will at least be able to sit down and talk, at least that is what I got from the conversation. If that happens or not will be upto her, but I am hopeful that I can at least see her and we can get some things accomplished that needs to be done.

A viewer named Shawn sent this comment in:

Why do you want to see your EX so badly? She obviously doesn't care about you or she wouldn't have dumped you the way she did. Move on Maveric, your better off without her. I am sorry that might hurt your feelings for me to say that, but after reading your blog over the past few months, the way she played you, she is not worth your time. I know it is hard especially after a 12 year relationship, but it seems to me that you don't matter to her at all, and she damn sure doesn't care how you feel. Take care bro and keep your head up! Shawn

Thanks for the email Shawn. I guess to answer your question, it is because I need closure on this chapter of my life. It is like being told someone has died but it doesn't really hit home till you see them at the funeral at they are really gone. Same kind of thing. The other side of it is that I also need to know where I stand with Stephanie. Are we going to remain close friends, or is this a burning bridge waiting to fall into an abyss? Aside from that, I believe that Stephanie does care, I just wish she would have handled things differently, we have talked about that a little, well I have done more of the talking...but anyway.

I hope that by the end of this week we can get together and have lunch, get the business we need to get done taken care of, and have a chance to talk about where we go from here.

For a little site news, I have reformated the blog to fit a 1024x768 screen resolution. This should help keep things looking correctly and the sidebar where it belongs. I didn't noticed it was soooo messed up looking till I pulled the site up with another computer. If you all notice stuff like that, feel free to let me know, and if there is content that you would like to see let me know that as well!

Fun, Fun and more Fun

Ok, not really. I tried to make an appointment with the VA clinic mainly to get my perscriptions refilled only to find out that they now appear to have a 30day waiting list! I can't remember what VA clinic I used to goto here in CA, and the one person who would remember, most likey won't return any of my messages anymore. Well I guess she will eventually as I still have some of her stuff I need to give to her, but anyway....So, I will have to try and make a walk in appointment if I can figuare out which clinic is my primary care. I damn sure won't wait 30 days to get my perscriptions, especially my allergy meds as they have been bad the last few weeks.

Tomorrow I will have to go to my storage unit to find some of my paperwork and tax info to send off to my recruiter. I have also been trying to get info on if my hazmat endorsement is ready from the Wisconsin DOT but they don't even seem to know how their own system works and seem even more clueless about it as I am.

So that is the way thigns sit now. This weekend my dad aand I might goto a local casino and play Texas Hold'em Poker. Would be pretty cool and I wish Stephanie and I were on better terms so she could join us, but I guess that is not going to happen.

Kick Them While Their Down, AGAIN, and AGAIN...

I was really looking forward to seeing Stephanie and getting some things accomplished for work, but once again.........

It turns out that Stephanies so called plan to meet with me was just another lie, and she really had no plan to meet me at all from the looks of things, as she conveniently will be unable to see me, but maybe in a few weeks or so.... What the fuck ever. A bunch of ghetto white trash drama, and all this from the woman I love and was going to marry!! I guess when they say love is blind what they really mean is once your in love, you become blind, cause I never saw this kind of BS coming. I at least thought that if we were to ever part ways, we would do so openly, and respectfully. Guess that was just wishful thinking on my part, because the reality is far, far, very far from that nice, neat picture. I wouldn't have believed Stephanie to be they type to change for the worse, and become everything she claimed to hate about other people. I have noticed that this has changed me as well and not for the better. I guess it has rubbed off on me as here I sit venting my anger, justified or not, on my blog.

I finally think I have narrowed down what has bothered me the most about all this. The flat out betrayal and the months worth of lies, that is what hurts the most. You would think after 12 years there would be some level of common respect, but I guess that was one sided at best. I remember thinking how excited I was 2 months ago when she said she was going to fly out and see me. How we talked for hours about all the love making we were going to do. I couldn't wait to hold her in my arms, only to find out that it was all a lie. Only to run head first into the brick wall of the truth, but blindly trusted her so much so to never see it. It does make me wonder, how long has she been lying to me? At least 3 months from what from what I can tell when we first started talking about fixing things. It has to be at least that long. But I do wonder how far back the lies go. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing, this was well planned out and timed. Hell, I am surprised she even bothered to tell me, I am sure she thought about just up and moving out of state and leaving my shit behind with a phone call as to where I could find it.

So what does it take to find a honest, mature, adult person to care about? That is what I am wondering. I thought that I had but the events of the past month have proven that I was DEAD WRONG! Even 12 years with her and I would have never guessed her to pull something so low as this. To go from being treated as her lover and life long mate, to something worse than what you would scrape off your shoe is quite a transition to make. I hope it is worth it to her, I really do.

Well now that I know the score and that she could give a crap about me one way or the other, I have no idea if I am going to be able to get the things I need to get done that requires her in person attention or not. It will mean serious complications for me to get a driving job, but I will have to find away around it somehow.

An email from a viewer named Angie that I got today asked me "Why do I post all this stuff about my personal life in my blog? Great question Angie, why am I? So you all can learn from my mistakes. Maybe you will see a pitfall that I have fallen into and can learn from it to avoid it in your relationships. As I have recently learned, trust is a very dangerous thing to give anyone, even the one person you love, cause you never know when they will turn around and betray that trust, all for their own personal gain. And I know what your saying, "That would never happen to me and my girl/wife/etc!" Well guess what, that is the same thing I said and have been telling people who warned me of it for years. I just can't believe they were right. I own my buddy $50 now.

A little survival tip for the men, never allow yourself to rely on a woman. Only rely on yourself, you will live to regret it otherwise, mark my words. And only trust them as far as you are willing to have that trust broken. Sorry to say there is not much you can do about betrayal, you can't go through your whole life with an exit strategy.

The worst part of all this, even after the lies, the betrayal, I still love her with every fiber of my being. Now that is cruel irony!

Just Another SpeedBump

Well yesterday I talked to Stephanie and she agreed to at least meet me to get the business stuff done either tomorrow or Wendsday. I asked if during this visit, the first since she left me via phone call (yea, that one still bugs the hell out of me, after 12 years I think I deserved better than that), we could have a little heart to heart talk over lunch but she has not responded to that yet. This feels like an ugly, and bitter divorce. Still don't know what I did to deserve this treatment, but when your already down on the ground and being kicked, what is the difference between 3 kicks and 5, just a few more, right?

Today I tried to get a copy of the police report from my accident back in 2002. To my surprise, even though I verified that they supposedly had the report over the phone, once in person I find out they can't find the report. So I am SOL on that, I have a call into the 2 recruiters about this problem but I won't be able to get an answer back till tomorrow.

AS promised, I said that if I received comments I would post them. Well I got one in today.

Hello, let me start out by saying I love your blog. I was on vacation last week, so I had to catch up.

I understand you are hurting and I'm sorry. I told my wife about your blog about trucking, or soon to be anyway. I mentioned what you are going through and her comment was....now don't shoot the messenger, but maybe Steff doesn't want you to be gone so much??? She wants someone that will be there every night. I want to drive a truck sooo bad, but she said this about me as well.

Second issue. Aren't you afraid that trucking companies will be reading this and be concerned the way you feel that you may be a risk to them (Liable) while driving their truck?

I have to admit, you don't sound to stable right now.

Your thoughts?

Kevin in Texas

Thanks for writing Kevin in Texas, and maybe your wife is right. I just don't know as I haven't been able to get any real answers from Stephanie. She has stated before that my being gone was not an issue, but I am not sure what I belief anymore. The last 2 months have been so far out in left field and out of character for her, if I didn't know better I would say she hired a script writer or a coach to tell her what to say to any of my questions. I have a good idea of where this thinking of hers is comming from, but if she wants to allow herself to be manipulated by this person there is nothing I can do or aparently say to prevent it. All I can do is try to make her understand how serious I am about her and having a life with her and hope that it is good enough. Hopefully when I actually get a chance to talk to her, we can sort some of this out, but until then there is nothing more I can do.

With regard to what trucking companies think. You make a valid point, and I can't say I am exactly in my right mind right now. On the same token I would never do anything that would bring harm to someone else in me dealing with my own issues. In another way I am kind of glad that I am able to express the way I feel from one moment to the next instead of bottling it up inside me. Sort of like therapy without all the cost. Aside from that, I am not really sure how to address that statement.

BTW, tell your wife thank you for the female insight perspective, and to feel free to share any others that she or you may have. Thanks for writing!

Next Steps

Well the moving is over now. I picked up the last of my things from Stephanies storage unit and returned the trailer the other day. While I am content that this part of things is done I really hate that it had to happen at all, it has been very trying on me mentally and emotionally (not that I can say I am doing all that great in those areas anyway).

But now it has come down to, Is this really the final end? Or is there still the possibility to start over and fix things? While there is no way we can just pick up where things left off, that wouldn't work or do anyone any good, I hope that she will at least consider trying to rebuild our relationship. I am not sure why she has been so negative about everything anyway. Maybe when she will allow me to see her, so we can talk face to face I can find out what I did to deserve that.

It occurred to me today just how much these events have disturbed me, from the very cold and heartless telephone breakup phone call to her refusal to even face me up until now. I guess I just feel that after 12 years I deserved a little better than that. I have never know Stephanie to act or react in this fashion, or betray everything she has always touted that she stands for. Maybe she is just trying to teach me a lesson, one that I won't forget? Or maybe that is just my survival instinct holding on to any hope possible. I don't even know anymore, and I don't understand any of it. I have never known Stephanie to hide from anyone before which does make me curious, is there something that she doesn't want me to see in her? Maybe she is pregnant, and afraid of how I would react? Would explain allot but I don't really believe that that is it. My mind is just jumping from one conclusion to another, madly scrambling to try and understand all the events of the past month, all in vain.

I hope that I will get to see her soon as I really need the paperwork she was getting for me to get my trucking job. Without it I am pretty well screwed, and I need to get that done this week somehow. I know she won't see me while she has her married ex-lover and his wife visiting. I wonder if his wife knows, or if she would even care as I understand their marriage.

I nearly snapped yesterday and thought about just driving up there un-announced, confronting the whole lot and clearing the air and leveling the field. I know that her ex-lover has allot to do with Stephanies decision to up and leave me out of the blue and the way she did it, and a part of me really wants to settle the score. But I know what that would mean. I know that no matter what after that Stephanie would never speak to me again, much less try to fix things between us, and she means allot more to me right now than any anger I feel toward anyone. But it is getting harder to keep these darker thoughts out of my mind, and I really don't want them to consume me. It is not who I am or who I want to be.

So what do I do now? Do I just wait? I don't know what to do. I a few weeks I will have to fly back to Wisconsin to get my Hazmat put on my license, I found out that my "Home State" is the only place that can do that and that I cannot get it done here in California. I am not sure how I am going to manage that, as my move to CA has nearly wiped me out financially. My fuel costs alone where 2.5X higher than I anticipated.

I really need to start driving truck soon. One to get some income to pay the bills, and 2, to give my mind something to do. I have nothing to think about or focus on other than Stephanie, and when we do talk it always seems like it is a major inconvenience no matter what the subject, and that hurts like hell; but at the same time it feels good to hear her voice.

Well enough of my ramblings, time to play some poker online. Who needs sleep, I will get plenty when I am dead.

Packing Down Memory Lane

Today I went up to Napa and picked up everything that was in the storage unit. Stephanie said there is one more load to go so maybe tomorrow I will be able to get the rest of it and be done with the moving part.

I have to say it was pure hell. I really didn't want to get my stuff out. This is far too real, cuts too deep. I know it had to be done, I didn't have a choice really. The decision was made for me. Wish I had had some help, as I nearly threw out my back with all the lifting.

I just cant get my brain wrapped around why this is all happening, and I feel I am losing it. I hope that Stephanie will see me before she leaves the state. Maybe we can spend the day together and talk and doing something together. Don't know if she will allow that or not, but I am sure she won't see me while she has her company in town which is understandable, but who knows when they are going to leave if they even are going to or if they are going to stay through her and her moms move. If that happens I doubt I will see her again.

Tomorrow I will call the San Ramon PD and order my police report and pick it up on Friday. This weekend I am thinking of going to the gun range. Stephanie and I both used to go and I thought about inviting her and my dad but I know she wouldn't go, so I will just go by myself. When I get the 12GA back from Stephanie I will trade it for my dads .357 revolver, so going to the range will be prudent as I haven't fired it in almost 3 years. I have over 150 rounds for it, as well as a few special hollow points. Good enough for a few hours of fun at the range.

On The Downward Path

Tomorrow I will pick up some of my things from the storage unit that Stephanie got. She still hasn't gotten everything moved but it appears that if I don't move some of it out she won't have enough room for everything. Of course, I was only given the information on the storage unit with the understanding that I would make sure to not be there when she was.

I am not sure how much longer I can take this. Every person must know and accept their limitations in life, and I feel I am quickly reaching mine. It is not a thought that I am fond of, but how much can one person bear? I am a criminal that has committed no crime, yet sentenced the ultimate punishment and left with the internal battle to either die over and over every day for the rest of my existence or take the easy way out and spare myself the constant torture. It is one hell of fight in my mind. I mentioned once before that you can't cheat death. As a soldier I faced death on a few occasions and Stephanie is the only reason that I pulled myself through it. This time there is no one to fight for. I don't fear my death, I learned to accept it long ago; soon I will forced to pay the devil what he is due, cause even if there is a heaven they will never let me in.

Everyone keeps saying that it will get better with time, but they just don't get it. Time is my enemy, as my thoughts of her are my tortures. Time. Nothing but time to ask what I did wrong, yet I know the answer, Nothing. Pure illogic. Sentenced and abandoned for nothing, no crime other than loving her and putting my soul on the line to make it work only to face the final betrayal with the highest stakes. Maybe that is why there is hate in life, to keep us from loving too completely. It is a fatal mistake.

I never intended for this blog to become this, it was to be a collection of interesting experiences and great adventures full of hopes and dreams becoming reality with the last woman I will love by my side. But instead it is becoming my memoirs. But, maybe it will help those that I will leave behind to understand the reason why. I hope that they will understand, and I hope that when the time comes that they can forgive me. Even if they can't forgive, I pray that no one blames themselves. And before anyone passes judgment on me, this is not something that I am taking lightly. But what good is life if you can't share it with someone you love? Life is only as precious as those who you share it with, without that your not really alive, you are just existing for the sake of existing.

I remember the question asked "Why are we here?" We are here to enrich each others lives, but we have forgotten that somehow. We are all too concerned with ourselves, and our own self importance, and it is all without meaning. With someone that we love by our side life has meaning, but without it... Some will say I am being selfish and maybe that is partly true. Life isn't scripted, and nothing is set in stone. It is the choices that we make in life that direct out destiny, but sometimes choices that others make affect our lives more than we can adapt for. I wish that I had the strength to get up off my knees, but I also understand futility. I have forever lost my soulmate and have tried everything I know to make her understand how much she means to me, and it is not enough. If you willing will give up everything and yet it still means nothing to a person who you know loves you, then what is left? And what is the point of continuing on when your everything is still not good enough, and has no worth to the only person it should have meaning to? How do you justify your worth in life after that? God, Why do I love her more than I love life it'self.

Maybe I will find the answers before I finaly break, before the pain can completely consume me. Maybe life is simply testing my resolve. Maybe Stephanie is testing me, though I doubt it. I have never know her to use betrayal as a way of testing a person. So I don't think that is it.

But I must try to endure as long as I can, as life is a cruel mistress, and she enjoys watching us suffer right up to the point we can't take an ounce of pain more and then gives us salvation to remind us just how precious life can be. Maybe both Stephanie and I are being tested, to see if we are strong enough to pull each other through and if we are worthy of happiness together.

Only time will tell and a Whiskey Lullaby, but can I withstand it long enough to find out.

The Dimming Of The Lights

I got my storage unit today and unloaded my stuff from the trailer. I am still waiting on Stephanie to finish moving my stuff to the storage unit she is putting my stuff into. We had a long talk about a few things, and I was informed that she didn't appreciate my last post. It was a pretty cruel post on my part and based on allot of assumptions and me venting my frustrations.

I am just so damn tired of this empty feeling inside. I don't feel anger, hate, love... nothing. Just pure nothing. Dead would be a good way of describing it, and maybe that is the way it should feel. I wish it would just end. I would do nearly anything for this feeling to stop right now, but a part of me keeps waiting for a phone call from her saying that it was all a big mistake and she wants me to come home. I know that it probley never going to happen, ok, so I know it isn't there is no probley about it. That little flicker of life will die out soon. To be honest, right now I don't even know who I am anymore. This shell that I have become is not me, I don't know this dead, hollow person in the mirror. Yet at the same time I have no way to get back the person I was before this all happened.

About 2 months ago I had an Ace/King suited, but the flop is a 2,9,J. So I am going to call and see what the turn card holds, but the ante is getting pretty steep to stay in this hand. Maybe it is just time to fold.

I have edited my post from yesterday, I really shouldn't let my frustrations vent in that way. It was a personal attack and it was uncalled for.

On other news I have downloaded a few pics from my cellphone that I took and here they are.

Sunset in Nebraska

Archway Monument - Nebraska

Mountains of Serria Nevada

Finish Line

Well I ended my trip in California. It was only about 700 miles that I had to do today and made good time. Tomorrow I will empty my trailer into a storage unit.

Something that I just couldn't go into earlier was the conversation I had with Stephanie yesterday. Apparently she doesn't even want to see me, well at least not while she has 2 of her "Friends" staying with her. So when her and her "friends" get done packing up my stuff, they are going to take it to a storage unit about 2 hours north of where I am for me to collect. Pretty bad that she would rather pay $50 than face me. Ohhh well, it is her money, whatever. This is supposedly how you say "I am thinking about wanting to work things out?" Cute. Really Cute, now where did I leave my "stupid" sticker?

But wait, I am just supposed to play the sucker/fool and say, "I am sure this is best for everyone, and that everything is just fine". Fuck that. But, I am not mad. You can only get stabbed in the back so many times before you just really don't give a damn anymore. Mad is no longer even an option. The whole reason Stephanie doesn't want me to actually come up to the house to get MY things is she is afraid I will just snap and start yelling at her. Sorry, not worth my time. I don't really care anymore.

So anyway, on to other news. I took some pics with my cellphone during my trip and as soon as I can get them transferred to my email I will post them up. Maybe tomorrow depending if I get my stuff or not and if I get half of it or if I still have to go up there to get it all.

Then after all this BS is done and over with, I have to get all my paperwork to Crete and US Express so I can start my new job. I will have to goto the San Ramon police department to get the police report from my accident. So I will try to get that done on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Edited by me to correct wrongful content and uncalled for venting of personal frustration at the expense of others.

Making Tracks

Yesterday I covered 731 miles and shut down for the night in York Nebraska. Pretty good running. Today I have covered 879 miles for a total so far of 1609 miles. Awesome run for one day. I am stopped for the night at the Flying J truckstop 100 miles east of the Nevada line. Goodnight.