Well I Guess It Is Final

I got pretty drunk last night, in the vain attempt to drowned my sorrows, but it didn't help at all. This morning when I woke I had actually looked forward to a hangover, hoping that that pain would override the other. It didn't even come close, matter of fact I couldn't even tell I had a hangover. Well at least not though pain that is.

I resisted the urge to check my email and see if Stephanie had replied. I had sent her an email asking her to reconsider her decision to leave and to not throw away 12 years of our lives. So, as hard as it was I just left the house and went to the church that I found in the phone book last night. Religion is really not something I believe in, I believe that we make our own fate though our choices in life. That there is no higher power at work, and I believe that now more than ever. No "god" with any level of morality would inflict this level of pain and despair on anyone. But I went anyway. I needed a miracle and even blind faith in something you don't believe in is better than nothing at all.

Well at least for all the good it did.

When I got home, I was faced with checking my email. (And to answer your question as to why email, no she wouldn't call, cause then I could actually respond. Same reason she ended a 12 year relationship and engagement over the phone instead of doing so in person.) At first I really wanted to check my messages with a sense of hope, and then it hit me, but what if.......

Pure fear like that I have never felt in my life hit me like a freight train and brought me literally to my knees. I have served in Iraq, and knew that I had less than a 1% chance to live, yet even then I never felt fear like this.
It took me nearly 20 mins of pacing and intrepidation to bring myself to open my email client, and was only after I was able to get up off the floor.

Well, I think you know what it said by the title of this post. Well I should say what it implied. Stephanie has never actually directly answered a question, I guess that way she doesn't feel any responsibility for her actions and she can blame things on anyone else. But this is nothing new, I guess I just felt that I at least deserved at least 1 honest and direct answer at a time like this. But even that is apparently too much to ask for, and I think it is that mentality that hurts worst of all.

I still have no idea how to pick up the few crumbs that is left of my life. People tell me that I need to move on,and get on with my life, but what the hell does that mean! Move on to what? Get on with WHAT life?! As a great Sci-Fi writer once wrote, An existence without purpose is the definition of death. Up until now I had purpose, creating the best life I could for my girl and me together. I have never wanted for myself, always for those I loved. A friend said that time will heal all wounds, but I don't want to heal. I don't want to forget this, so I make sure I never let it happen again. Someone said, Find someone new. Why, so I can go though this hell again? And Again, and again. No thanks.

This was the second time I have been engaged and it will be the last. Fool me once, shame on you, fool my twice shame on me.