Can This Get Any Worse?

Last night Stephanie and I had a long talk on the phone. I thought all that I needed to know was the reason why no matter what the answer was, and that somehow that knowledge alone would make everything at least bearable, and easier. But I was wrong. While I now understand her reasons, it didn't make me feel any better.

I wish I could have slept, but all the liqueur and crying in the world wouldn't let the pain ease up enough for me to sleep. I don't remember when I last ate so I tried to force myself to eat something, but I just couldn't do it.

This morning I went to my counseling session and I was right about a few things. The psychologist said that my little incident was a very bad sign and if it weren't for the fact that I was aware of what happened he would have had no choice by law but to commit me for a 48 observation and suicide watch. He did however strongly advise that I not be alone for any period of time, even though that is not an option for me. I have no one here, it is 2500 miles to the only place on this earth I called home, and that in a way, no longer exists. So I am kind of screwed there.

In Stephanie's comments she mentioned a song, and that I have had in my MP3 collection for sometime, I wonder if she knows just how close to home that song really is for me. For a moment today I actually was able to push all this out of my mind as if it never happened, but I didn't have a prayer in hell of keeping it there. When everything came crashing back down on me, I was so angry at myself for doing that, for even thinking of trying to forget. And I know that I can't. I can't let go and I can't move on and I don't think any part of will would let me even if I wanted to. Some may say that I am just living in false hope, and they might be right, but it is all I have got. Without it there is no point in even seeing tomorrow. What good is life if the one you love isn't there to share it with.

I have always been the one to say that life is a series of choices that you make, and I know the choice I should make, but it is the one that I just can't do. So I will be here waiting, this pain is now my existence till either she finds her way back to me or the pain become more than I can bear. But, there is more to life than just pain and death, there is bills and taxes. And so with that....

I called my recruiter for Deboer and got the bad news as to why I hadn't heard back from them. My application was rejected at this time, but from what he implied from the conversation I got the feeling that it was because of my accident in 2002 and that they couldn't accept me till after that falls off my 3 year record in October. So, I am looking at some of the other carriers that I rejected because of their home time and routing policies. As in the next 3 weeks I won't have a home to go home to, I guess home time doesn't really matter. I can drive till I die.
The one obstacle in all that is the 2 other carriers that were on my high consideration list, Crete, and US Express, both require the Hazmat endorsement. And even though I really can't afford the extra $76, I went down to the DMV anyway and started that process. It can take up to 90 days to complete so I will call these 2 recruiters today and tomorrow to find out what the process is and what the next step is now that I have applied. I still have to get the finger printing done, but I am not sure if I do that now or after I get the confirmation back from the TSA on my background check. I know that I will have no problems with the background check as I have done a few of them, hell one was less than a year ago and was much more extensive than what the TSA will do.

While i was trying to work on the whole job front of things to help take my mind off the other big thing, they collided in mid-air. Stephanie's leaving me has had a few other repercussions that I hadn't thought of till now. First and foremost is the fact that I don't have a home, and therefore no address or residence. No place to send mail to or get mail from. I guess when I go out there I will have to just get a P.O. Box or something, but many places require a physical address. Not sure how the hell I am going to address that. The other is the whole fact that all the things that we had discussed regarding finances, and bill paying while I am on the road is now all shot to hell along with my budget for the first of next month. To add even more to it, we were going to transfer her old cell phone over to me and get on a shared cell phone plan so I had a phone while I was on the road. I guess I need to figure out something else in that regard as well.

There are so many things that you just never consider when your in a long term relationship. So many things that you rely upon each other for. Now that much of that is gone it is going to make this life altering career change 1000x more difficult than I ever thought it could be. Overwhelming is really an understatement as all the planing that went into this included her.