Something happened a little while ago that I am not sure if I should share or not but I feel that it helps me address things when I post here, so I am going to anyway.
I had to go out for cigarettes as I was down to 3 an they sure wouldn't last long. So I went out to my car and started driving to the gas station is about 3 blocks away. A moment later I was doing nearly 80mph heading for a T intersection with no desire at all to stop. The thought that I had to stop just wasn't even there. The thought of crashing through the intersection and into the building that lie beyond was actually a very peaceful one. But the thought of innocent people that might get hurt came to mine and was enough to snap me out of whatever it was that I was in at the time and I slammed on the brakes and came to a stop.
This really alarms me as as I really had no concept of what was going on or what I was doing during those few minutes. Well I guess if I ever had any questions in my mind that if I needed to get professional help this event sure as hell answered that for me. I think I will keep my travel as limited as possible. I don't want to experience that event again.
After this "event" I have became concerned as to my mental health. I hope I can keep my shit together. I called a counseling hotline number that I looked up to find out if this event was something super serious, like so serious that I need to admit myself to a nut house for a while. The lady I talked to, Jean, said that this is a cry for help, and/or pity. I really don't want help, unless I am a danger to someone else of course, and I damn sure don't want anyones pity! But what "Jean" said made me think about all the times though life that I have seen on the news and once in person (one of my soldiers committed suicide right in front of me by blowing his brains out), people that are threating to kill themselves might just be the people asking for help. In my case I didn't even realize it was happening so I don't think that is relevant. Suicide is the easy way out, I have never taken the easy way out of anything in my life and I damn sure am not about to start.
None the less, this unexpected event has left me a bit shaken. If anything like this happens again I may have to postpone my new career as a truck driver till I get some help and figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Don't need an event like this to happen driving a 80,000lb truck down the interstate that is for sure.
I am thinking that I may have had a momentary break in reality. Sure, I would give anything to not hurt the way I do. Hell, I would have rather Stephanie took my 12ga shotgun from our bedroom, put it point blank to my chest, kissed me and pulled the trigger, than to go though what I am going through now. But of course life is never that simple or easy.
I hope the fact that I realize something is not quite right is a good sign, and that I can keep it from getting any worse. Otherwise I will be posting from a nut house and will have to re-name my blog "The diary of a mad man". Thanks for letting me ramble.
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