Life Can Be Such Hell

Sorry about the lack of posts for the last few days. Tuesday answered my post title for Monday, "Can this get any worse". Well I found out on Tuesday that could. I am not sure quite what happened, I guess you just can hold it all in though god knows I tried. I had a total breakdown and fell completely apart. I had no sense of time or being, and I couldn't stop it even for a moment. Very un-like me as I have always been the one who is able to keep my emotions in check and never let them interfere with my life no matter what. But I guess even I have my limits, a breaking point where all the little tricks I have used over the years were worthless to me this time. A writer once said that a persons being is made of glass and that time tempers it, and that every tragic event leaves a small crack in that glass, and how eventually that glass will become so full of cracks that it will break and shatter. It is an interesting theory.

Philosophy has interested me as long as I can remember and I have found much of it very useful over the years, but during my breakdown I was reminded of one that I had read about and did little to improve my mood.

I remember reading in a book once someone said, "You can't cheat death, and those who do will experience death over and over for all eternity."; And I wonder if this writer, whose ideology at the time I simply dismissed as a person who couldn't take accountability for his own choices in life, was right all along. I look back on my life and I have cheated death a few times, more than once I should not have made it out of a situation alive. Time comes to a complete stop when one is staring death in the face, but I remember thinking to myself that I have a choice. I can do nothing and just die right here quick and relatively painless or beat the odds and save my own ass. And I remember thinking of Stephanie at those times and how I couldn't leave her, how my death in some third world shit hole country would simply kill her, and that was all I needed to force myself to move out and defy all the odds to be able to come home to her. But as I reflect on that now I wonder, am I now paying a debt for refusing to die all those times before? As the saying goes, "The Devil Always Gets His Dues".

I got some decent sleep for a change Tuesday night, most likely from a lack of options. You can only stay awake for just so long, and I think I finally hit my limit after 4 days. I really didn't want to be alone on Wendsay, but my only option was my ex-roommate, and that really wasn't an option. I know that she has feelings for me and I am in no shape mentally or emotionally to deal with that. I know things would go in a direction that is not fair or right for anyone involved, yet I needed to do .....something, I needed to feel wanted and feel that I belonged and female companionship was not the answer!

As I needed to feel a sense of belonging, I decided the only place to do that was with people who share similar interests. It has been a long time since I have had the feeling that I didn't belong. In the military, I had my fellow soldiers, was accepted and I belonged. After the service Stephanie filled that need, and now that she is gone that feeling has left me as well. So what to do? I had just the answer, it would only be a for a short time, but maybe that would be enough. I drove down to the Chicago Speedway, and joined up with some gear-head speed junkies. Racing! Even though my basically stock Mitsubishi Eclipse is no competition for 95% of the cars there, it wasn't about winning today. For me it was it was a place where I could belong. I could also push myself and tap dance with that little bit of self destructive part of me as well.

I have never advocated street racing, and I never will. There is no reason for putting other people lives in harms ways just to satisfy ones self destructive, thrill seeking desires. But on a racetrack I can do just that. I can push myself and my machine to the very limits and beyond if I so desire. Sitting on the razors edge between life or possible death at 120MPH is an exhilarating feeling.

The most expensive part of the trip was the gas there and back, but it was a trip that I needed to take. I had to find a place where I was welcome, and that I belonged and was wanted just the way I am. No questions asked, no expectations.

Some of the folks at the track had some pretty impressive cars. This guy "Jake" had a very sweet Accura Integra that would do 160MPH. He competes at many of the local meets and drag strips but is looking for something more. But none the less he gave me a ride in his car at upward of 150 mph. This speed is over the track imposed limit of 130 so he only ran one lap.

It was a nice release, even though it was short lived and today I feel alone and lost once again, but that is life and I can't afford to hide from reality forever. Wish I could, but.....

Onto other news. I think I have my moving plans figured out now, I still need to talk to Steph and make sure I won't interfere with her social calendar but it is coming together. I am going to try and maintain my residency in the State of Wisconsin as it will keep my car insurance down, as well as a few other costs. Not sure if that is going to work, but I mean really, I don't have a home, so who can say where I live? Technically I am homeless after my lease expires so it is worth a try to save some money.

One of the other big problems right now is getting my fingerprints taken for my hazmat endorsement. Apparently, the company that handles it, Promissor, should have hired me to handle their telecom move as there system is now completely down. I called the Wisconsin DOT to find out what to do, and they don't have a clue. I have been trying for a week to get an appointment but there is only 1 phone number and now you only get a busy signal. Guess this is how Homeland Security is going to work, if you can't get the endorsement you can't be a security risk.....LMAO! I am going to try and find a State level number to contact the DOT and see if I can get some answers that way. I need to get this done before I leave for California, and before it will do me any good to call and talk to these other carriers about a job. They won't hire you unless you are in the process of getting your hazmat endorsement, and without the fingerprinting I can't get the endorsement. Way to go DOT!!