God I wish Stephanie would hurt as bad as I do. But I know she doesn't. Hell if she read this blog since she left me I am sure she would just laugh her ass off at what she accomplished. The big bad soldier all broken into pieces. But that is OK, Karma is a wicked and vengeful bitch and it will come her way 10 fold. OK, OK, so I have had a bit of an anger relapse today. I just can't seem to get around that anyone could just throw away 12 years and not even want to attempt to fix it. What on earth would make anyone do something like that?
I wish hope would start to fade a little, or at least give me a moment of peace. I really should just accept the fact that she is gone and she wants nothing to do with me anymore, but it is a hard thing to accept after being with her for 12 years. I remember planning our wedding, we were going to have a Renaissance themed wedding, and afterwords I had planned a trip around the world on the Queen Mary 2. I needed a year to save up the money for the honeymoon alone. I had been saving for it in a separate savings account the last 3 years. Guess it will become my retirement account now. But I can almost picture her all dressed up, wearing her sword, and gauntlet's, in tall leather boots and a tight black leather bodice.
That is one thing about memories, you can't burn them like photos. There is no way to get the images out of your mind, and every little thing brings them back to life, and with them all the pain.
Earlier, when I had my "interesting" trip to the gas station for some more smokes, I saw these totally cool engraved jumbo zippo lighters. I instantly bought one, thinking how Stephanie would simply love it, as she collects them. It wasn't till after I had gotten home and was trying to think of how I wanted to gift wrap it, that it dawned on me that she left me. I felt so stupid, and then I was angry at her for making me think of her and how getting her this simple gift made me happy. Damnit!
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My apologies for not getting to this sooner, but my job does require a hefty portion of my attention on weekends & happens to function nicely as an escape from my personal life.
You say you wish I hurt like you do, you say I am laughing at how you feel in your posts on here. Please do not assume you know.
We have known each other for 12 years, and if you don't know by now that I hate causing true pain to anyone I care about, then you are right, you never knew me at all.....
I tried to explain why I had to go my own way, but you don't want to hear it, or maybe you can't understand that I would leave you because there is something in me that has to grow up on my own.
You want to believe I would only leave you for someone else, there never has been anyone else, but maybe it would be easier for us both if there had been then you would have someone to blame besides just me.
And because you asked, I will answer, it hurts me to, more than I care to share.....
The song Whiskey Lullaby comes to mind.
You know what really makes me question that, the fact that for a month we made plans to make things right, go to counseling, etc. And then, the week that all that is to begin, in the middle of a phone conversation, while you have your EX on the other phone, you tell me it is over. Not posponed, not you needed some time/space whatever, just that EVERYTHING is over and that is the way it was going to stay permanently. What the fuck ever!
I am not going to spar with you on my blog, you have a phone use it, not like you ever will.
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