Thoughts.......

The day my mom died I called called the one person I have trusted for nearly 13 years, Steph. I am not sure if it was a good idea or not, especially when she informed me that she is now dating the very person she "did not" leave me for. She has such a way with timing, even though it really didn't come as much of a surprise. I knew all along that the "were just friends" was always bullshit. The problem is that I can clearly see how she is getting played by him. I should know, it was one of my old tricks back in the day.

I really hate being right all the time. I know, it sounds egotistical, and if it wasn't so damn true I would agree. Trust me, it is not something I am proud of or even take any comfort in. It is a total curse. I can look at nearly any situation and know the outcome, how it will play out, and how it will end with exacting precision, and I fucking hate it. I knew that I wouldn't make it home to my mom in time, despite all my efforts, I have known about Steph and Sean for over a year before she left, and I know how all of it will end... and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it.

Not to compare myself to these great people in anyway, I am a complete nobody by comparison, but I have always found it intriguing how people like Albert Einstein were mocked, and ridiculed for being right. It wasn't till years later, and in some cases after his death, that people realized and could no long deny many of his brilliant "right" answers to many of the greatest scientific questions to date.

But why is it that people flat out refuse to even contemplate the possibility that a person could be right, even when the evidence is clearly presented. Are we as human beings so mentally fragile that we must live in our self created delusions, even when we know it is to our detriment?

It might have been Steph, that once told me "You can't save everyone", but how does one not even try, when the knowledge of what will come, cuts just like a knife because you protect them from the pain they will go through. Knowing that if you can just reach them, make them see what you see, somehow make them understand you can prevent it. It is very similar to my mom, I knew how she would die years ago, really didn't take a genius to see, but again there was nothing I could do to make her see it.

Why is it that I can see certain things with such pure clarity in others and that knowledge could save them, yet I am unable to save myself from a fate that I have already foreseen. Maybe the "gift" I have is not so much seeing and knowing what will happen, but more of what is going to happen, things that are unpreventable even with the knowledge of what will come. More like previewing a movie, not editing. I don't want to believe that that is the case, if for nothing else, what I have already seen of my own "future", or lack there of.

Inaddition to all these things in my personal life, I having one hell of a time dealing with my moms death. Seeing her at the funeral home today, cut through me like a sledgehammer. I haven't allowed myself to breakdown. I just can't bring myself to put that burden on my dad and sister. The only time they have ever seen even a slight crack in my armor is after Steph left me, and really the only reason they saw any of that was because it was, and still is, more than I can take. I feel so completely shattered inside, with only the raw weight of the pain holding the pieces in place and I know that even time cannot fix this state I am in. I think the song by Nickleback - Savin' Me sums me up pretty well. I know I am falling, slowly collapsing in on myself, imploding in slow motion, but what does one do when the person who has always saved others needs to be saved himself?

P.S. I have updated the Favorite Songs Section finaly, sorry it took so long.