I get a lot of emails from readers, some supportive, others condemning (especially when it comes to Steph). While this blog is my own forum for me to tell about events in my life, it is also an outlet for how I feel at any point in time, right or wrong. Just because I feel a certain way about events, that doesn't mean that the way I feel is how the event may turn out to be, it is just that is how I am feeling at the exact point in time.
Yesterday, Steph came over. It was interesting, relieving, and confusing. I have so many emotions that are running at the surface with my moms death and still with Steph's leaving, that leave the events of the past 36 hrs suprising and difficult. I really didn't expect the level of compassion that she offered me, and while I have my doubts that she would have done so had it not been for my moms death, but regardless, I am thankful for her allowing me to release my pain that I have been holding in for so long. But, it has made me question certain things, and if I have done the right thing, among them asking her to return my engagement ring.
To me this is on par with committing suicide, and I am still not sure I really want her to really do it. Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing, not to mention a painful thing as well. I know we can be every happy together, and I am asking for the one reminder of that for her back. But, with the full knowledge of why she really left, no longer being a question, could I really trust her if she did come back home. Or would I always wonder if her loyalty would wander once again.
My dad is still having a hard time with the loss of my mom. Last night was the first night he was home all alone, knowing that mom wasn't going to be there, ever. I admit I didn't consider this last night when I didn't come back to my parents house. I too am having a difficult time as well, as when I enter the house I expect my mom to be sitting in her spot on the couch. While after last night I don't feel the same amount of pain that I did, I still miss my mom a lot.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment