One thing that seems to always happen with any plan, is somewhere along the way it gets screwed up and most of the time your not the one who screwed it up! I put my truck into the shop on Saturday night for repairs on Monday so I could return to work on Tuesday, However I now have 2 dispatchers that work shifts and my new dispatcher failed to put my truck into the repair system. When I called yesterday to make sure all repairs were made and that my truck was ready, I find out that it was never put into the system so no repairs were made. I will call this afternoon to check and see if my truck is repaired so I can goto work on Wensday.
This return to work will be a long run for me I hope, unless the company forces me to take time off. I am finding that I have less and less of a desire to come off the road than I have in the past. Maybe I am just trying to lose myself in my work, and forget that the rest of the world even exists. Maybe that will be easier, but will that work or just exasperate things even further? Not really sure what I will do if it doesn't work, seems like the more I try to let go and move on with things, the more thinking I do and the worse it gets. But, at least this way I won't be bothering anyone. I have been finding harder and harder to let Steph go in my mind like she asked me to, I suppose if I can't do that my only other option to give her what she wants is to just walk away and disappear. Not really something I want, but then what I want rarely seems to matter in the grander scheme of life in general.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Mind's Eye
I am taking 3 days off currently, not really by choice but because I needed to get some repairs made on my truck. Currently the company is rebuilding the drivers bunk house so there is no place to sleep or to stay at the yard. I hate taking time off when I am nearly broke, the time off for my moms funeral, and the delay in me getting my paperwork turned in has put a cramp on my finances till next week, even though I will be getting a fairly substantial paycheck by then.
I keep getting many emails wanting more info on Steph and I, and I am sorry I haven't been able to reply to them in a timely manner. With that said, I am really not sure what to say about Steph and I, other than I am at a stalemate point and have pretty much given up on the hope that she wants to work things out. I gave it my best shot to show her I was serious, and committed, but I not sure that it even matters to her anymore. I still love her and always will but I guess I will just have to accept that I am not someone she wants to be with. Can't really blame her either, I am long haul truck driver that spends 4-6 weeks on the road at a time. Pretty hard to re-build a relationship with someone who is gone all the time when she has someone she can see anytime she wants, regardless of what I think of the guy. And I think she knows the game he is playing, but even something bad with a few bright spots is better than someone that is never around. Again, can't blame someone for that.
So where does all that leave me? Hell if I know to be honest. I guess I will focus on part of my original plan of building my house. Only it will be for me and not for Steph and I. The sense of having a place to call home other than my truck will be nice, but it will take a while. I figure to get all my debts paid off and save up the rest of the money I need will take me 2 years. Not really how I wanted to do this or even thought about, but it is all I got now so I might as well make the best of my new solo life.
In other news, my old trainer and friend Randy, is back with deBoer. So Welcome Back Randy!
I keep getting many emails wanting more info on Steph and I, and I am sorry I haven't been able to reply to them in a timely manner. With that said, I am really not sure what to say about Steph and I, other than I am at a stalemate point and have pretty much given up on the hope that she wants to work things out. I gave it my best shot to show her I was serious, and committed, but I not sure that it even matters to her anymore. I still love her and always will but I guess I will just have to accept that I am not someone she wants to be with. Can't really blame her either, I am long haul truck driver that spends 4-6 weeks on the road at a time. Pretty hard to re-build a relationship with someone who is gone all the time when she has someone she can see anytime she wants, regardless of what I think of the guy. And I think she knows the game he is playing, but even something bad with a few bright spots is better than someone that is never around. Again, can't blame someone for that.
So where does all that leave me? Hell if I know to be honest. I guess I will focus on part of my original plan of building my house. Only it will be for me and not for Steph and I. The sense of having a place to call home other than my truck will be nice, but it will take a while. I figure to get all my debts paid off and save up the rest of the money I need will take me 2 years. Not really how I wanted to do this or even thought about, but it is all I got now so I might as well make the best of my new solo life.
In other news, my old trainer and friend Randy, is back with deBoer. So Welcome Back Randy!
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Down In Flames or Rise From Ashes?
As I was saying in my back dted post, things have gotten interesting and confusing. I know, I keep talking about things and havent taken the time to explaine what it is that I am talking about. Sorry. It is hard to find the time and place to be able to type all this.
I am coping with the loss of my mom pretty well, keeping busy helps allot. The things with Steph however get more difficult nd have left me very confounded. After the week we spent together after my moms death, we told eachother that the time was what it was and ment nothing more. And as much as I want to convince myself that that really was the case, I really don't think it was. There are times that I feel I am really getting through to her, that she is really listening to what I am saying, where she is being honest with herself and her feelings. It is these short rare times that I think part of her really wants to drop everything and say "Lets try again", but those moments are so very short before she is forced back into the lie she is living, I doubt that will happen.
Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing her by that in anyway. We all live a lie in one respect or another, either to ourselfs or toward others. But there is a difference, some do it because they have to, others do it because they are to scared of reality not to. As for myself, I think I fall right in the middle of the two.
Well I just dropped my load in Birmingham, Alabama and am off to grab a bite to eat and pick up a load going back to Wisconsin by Saturday. I am nearly out of hours and am completly exausted, but the road is now my life and the only thing I got, so back to 18 wheel lover and home, the white line!
I am coping with the loss of my mom pretty well, keeping busy helps allot. The things with Steph however get more difficult nd have left me very confounded. After the week we spent together after my moms death, we told eachother that the time was what it was and ment nothing more. And as much as I want to convince myself that that really was the case, I really don't think it was. There are times that I feel I am really getting through to her, that she is really listening to what I am saying, where she is being honest with herself and her feelings. It is these short rare times that I think part of her really wants to drop everything and say "Lets try again", but those moments are so very short before she is forced back into the lie she is living, I doubt that will happen.
Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing her by that in anyway. We all live a lie in one respect or another, either to ourselfs or toward others. But there is a difference, some do it because they have to, others do it because they are to scared of reality not to. As for myself, I think I fall right in the middle of the two.
Well I just dropped my load in Birmingham, Alabama and am off to grab a bite to eat and pick up a load going back to Wisconsin by Saturday. I am nearly out of hours and am completly exausted, but the road is now my life and the only thing I got, so back to 18 wheel lover and home, the white line!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Where is the posts?!
Yes i know i havent posted in a long time but my cellphone died and that took a few days to get replaced, problem now is that my new cell has a different software version and i cant send text to post messages and have to have internet access. Verizon is trying to fix this for so we will see.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Simple Things Are Hardest.
The past 2 weeks have been interesting and difficult, from spending time with Steph to the death of my mom. Many of these things have left me confused and unsure of their meaning and it's overall effect and bering on my life. If this alone was not enough i now have a minor worry over my job, as I was hit by another driver. (Update: talked to safety on 5/16 and it was determined at this time to be unpreventable with 50/50 fault)
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Moments In Time
I get a lot of emails from readers, some supportive, others condemning (especially when it comes to Steph). While this blog is my own forum for me to tell about events in my life, it is also an outlet for how I feel at any point in time, right or wrong. Just because I feel a certain way about events, that doesn't mean that the way I feel is how the event may turn out to be, it is just that is how I am feeling at the exact point in time.
Yesterday, Steph came over. It was interesting, relieving, and confusing. I have so many emotions that are running at the surface with my moms death and still with Steph's leaving, that leave the events of the past 36 hrs suprising and difficult. I really didn't expect the level of compassion that she offered me, and while I have my doubts that she would have done so had it not been for my moms death, but regardless, I am thankful for her allowing me to release my pain that I have been holding in for so long. But, it has made me question certain things, and if I have done the right thing, among them asking her to return my engagement ring.
To me this is on par with committing suicide, and I am still not sure I really want her to really do it. Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing, not to mention a painful thing as well. I know we can be every happy together, and I am asking for the one reminder of that for her back. But, with the full knowledge of why she really left, no longer being a question, could I really trust her if she did come back home. Or would I always wonder if her loyalty would wander once again.
My dad is still having a hard time with the loss of my mom. Last night was the first night he was home all alone, knowing that mom wasn't going to be there, ever. I admit I didn't consider this last night when I didn't come back to my parents house. I too am having a difficult time as well, as when I enter the house I expect my mom to be sitting in her spot on the couch. While after last night I don't feel the same amount of pain that I did, I still miss my mom a lot.
Yesterday, Steph came over. It was interesting, relieving, and confusing. I have so many emotions that are running at the surface with my moms death and still with Steph's leaving, that leave the events of the past 36 hrs suprising and difficult. I really didn't expect the level of compassion that she offered me, and while I have my doubts that she would have done so had it not been for my moms death, but regardless, I am thankful for her allowing me to release my pain that I have been holding in for so long. But, it has made me question certain things, and if I have done the right thing, among them asking her to return my engagement ring.
To me this is on par with committing suicide, and I am still not sure I really want her to really do it. Hope is a powerful and dangerous thing, not to mention a painful thing as well. I know we can be every happy together, and I am asking for the one reminder of that for her back. But, with the full knowledge of why she really left, no longer being a question, could I really trust her if she did come back home. Or would I always wonder if her loyalty would wander once again.
My dad is still having a hard time with the loss of my mom. Last night was the first night he was home all alone, knowing that mom wasn't going to be there, ever. I admit I didn't consider this last night when I didn't come back to my parents house. I too am having a difficult time as well, as when I enter the house I expect my mom to be sitting in her spot on the couch. While after last night I don't feel the same amount of pain that I did, I still miss my mom a lot.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Death, and Real Friends
For some, the answer to death is the attempted creation of life. Everything held to un-choreographed balance. I guess it is because through the passing of an individual, we are forced to acknowledge our own mortality and the intrinsic desire to carry on our lineage. While I have felt the need to have a family for sometime, the death of my mom has really pushed that to a fore-front.
I had asked, and paid for, Steph to come down to CA to be with me during this time of loss as she is/was the only person I had trusted to show my emotions in front of. I was relieved and looking forward to feeling free to release my pain from my moms death. However, I think it was a mistake, I am not sure she is someone I can trust or even consider a friend to that degree.
From her actions and words, she came down to CA (all expenses paid by me - she even decided that this was a good time to get her license re-instated after getting it suspended to the tune of $85, but failed to mention that fact and helped herself to the funds I put in our joint account for her gas to come down and return) not to help and comfort her friend, but as an all expenses paid vacation to go see her "party" friends, and is happy for see me when she wants to go out to eat. Other than that, it is party time with her friends.
Well at least I know where I stand,......Alone.
I had asked, and paid for, Steph to come down to CA to be with me during this time of loss as she is/was the only person I had trusted to show my emotions in front of. I was relieved and looking forward to feeling free to release my pain from my moms death. However, I think it was a mistake, I am not sure she is someone I can trust or even consider a friend to that degree.
From her actions and words, she came down to CA (all expenses paid by me - she even decided that this was a good time to get her license re-instated after getting it suspended to the tune of $85, but failed to mention that fact and helped herself to the funds I put in our joint account for her gas to come down and return) not to help and comfort her friend, but as an all expenses paid vacation to go see her "party" friends, and is happy for see me when she wants to go out to eat. Other than that, it is party time with her friends.
Well at least I know where I stand,......Alone.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Thoughts.......
The day my mom died I called called the one person I have trusted for nearly 13 years, Steph. I am not sure if it was a good idea or not, especially when she informed me that she is now dating the very person she "did not" leave me for. She has such a way with timing, even though it really didn't come as much of a surprise. I knew all along that the "were just friends" was always bullshit. The problem is that I can clearly see how she is getting played by him. I should know, it was one of my old tricks back in the day.
I really hate being right all the time. I know, it sounds egotistical, and if it wasn't so damn true I would agree. Trust me, it is not something I am proud of or even take any comfort in. It is a total curse. I can look at nearly any situation and know the outcome, how it will play out, and how it will end with exacting precision, and I fucking hate it. I knew that I wouldn't make it home to my mom in time, despite all my efforts, I have known about Steph and Sean for over a year before she left, and I know how all of it will end... and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
Not to compare myself to these great people in anyway, I am a complete nobody by comparison, but I have always found it intriguing how people like Albert Einstein were mocked, and ridiculed for being right. It wasn't till years later, and in some cases after his death, that people realized and could no long deny many of his brilliant "right" answers to many of the greatest scientific questions to date.
But why is it that people flat out refuse to even contemplate the possibility that a person could be right, even when the evidence is clearly presented. Are we as human beings so mentally fragile that we must live in our self created delusions, even when we know it is to our detriment?
It might have been Steph, that once told me "You can't save everyone", but how does one not even try, when the knowledge of what will come, cuts just like a knife because you protect them from the pain they will go through. Knowing that if you can just reach them, make them see what you see, somehow make them understand you can prevent it. It is very similar to my mom, I knew how she would die years ago, really didn't take a genius to see, but again there was nothing I could do to make her see it.
Why is it that I can see certain things with such pure clarity in others and that knowledge could save them, yet I am unable to save myself from a fate that I have already foreseen. Maybe the "gift" I have is not so much seeing and knowing what will happen, but more of what is going to happen, things that are unpreventable even with the knowledge of what will come. More like previewing a movie, not editing. I don't want to believe that that is the case, if for nothing else, what I have already seen of my own "future", or lack there of.
Inaddition to all these things in my personal life, I having one hell of a time dealing with my moms death. Seeing her at the funeral home today, cut through me like a sledgehammer. I haven't allowed myself to breakdown. I just can't bring myself to put that burden on my dad and sister. The only time they have ever seen even a slight crack in my armor is after Steph left me, and really the only reason they saw any of that was because it was, and still is, more than I can take. I feel so completely shattered inside, with only the raw weight of the pain holding the pieces in place and I know that even time cannot fix this state I am in. I think the song by Nickleback - Savin' Me sums me up pretty well. I know I am falling, slowly collapsing in on myself, imploding in slow motion, but what does one do when the person who has always saved others needs to be saved himself?
P.S. I have updated the Favorite Songs Section finaly, sorry it took so long.
I really hate being right all the time. I know, it sounds egotistical, and if it wasn't so damn true I would agree. Trust me, it is not something I am proud of or even take any comfort in. It is a total curse. I can look at nearly any situation and know the outcome, how it will play out, and how it will end with exacting precision, and I fucking hate it. I knew that I wouldn't make it home to my mom in time, despite all my efforts, I have known about Steph and Sean for over a year before she left, and I know how all of it will end... and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it.
Not to compare myself to these great people in anyway, I am a complete nobody by comparison, but I have always found it intriguing how people like Albert Einstein were mocked, and ridiculed for being right. It wasn't till years later, and in some cases after his death, that people realized and could no long deny many of his brilliant "right" answers to many of the greatest scientific questions to date.
But why is it that people flat out refuse to even contemplate the possibility that a person could be right, even when the evidence is clearly presented. Are we as human beings so mentally fragile that we must live in our self created delusions, even when we know it is to our detriment?
It might have been Steph, that once told me "You can't save everyone", but how does one not even try, when the knowledge of what will come, cuts just like a knife because you protect them from the pain they will go through. Knowing that if you can just reach them, make them see what you see, somehow make them understand you can prevent it. It is very similar to my mom, I knew how she would die years ago, really didn't take a genius to see, but again there was nothing I could do to make her see it.
Why is it that I can see certain things with such pure clarity in others and that knowledge could save them, yet I am unable to save myself from a fate that I have already foreseen. Maybe the "gift" I have is not so much seeing and knowing what will happen, but more of what is going to happen, things that are unpreventable even with the knowledge of what will come. More like previewing a movie, not editing. I don't want to believe that that is the case, if for nothing else, what I have already seen of my own "future", or lack there of.
Inaddition to all these things in my personal life, I having one hell of a time dealing with my moms death. Seeing her at the funeral home today, cut through me like a sledgehammer. I haven't allowed myself to breakdown. I just can't bring myself to put that burden on my dad and sister. The only time they have ever seen even a slight crack in my armor is after Steph left me, and really the only reason they saw any of that was because it was, and still is, more than I can take. I feel so completely shattered inside, with only the raw weight of the pain holding the pieces in place and I know that even time cannot fix this state I am in. I think the song by Nickleback - Savin' Me sums me up pretty well. I know I am falling, slowly collapsing in on myself, imploding in slow motion, but what does one do when the person who has always saved others needs to be saved himself?
P.S. I have updated the Favorite Songs Section finaly, sorry it took so long.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Goodbye Mom
Time: It always amazes me how we always feel like we have more time, we put things off to the last minute then rush when were out of time. But sometimes things in life catch us off guard. They happen suddenly and without much warning, and before you know it, the moment is gone forever.
My mom died on Saturday April 28th, 2006 at the age of 61. I wasn't able to get a load and get home in time. Once again I was a day late and a dollar short. While I am sure my mom knew that I did everything reasonable to get home in time, I find I am deeply troubled by my inability to do so, more than I would like to admit.
My Dad and my Sister are taking her death much better than I am, but I suppose that is because they were with her from the very start, while I was breaking every rule in trucking over 1,500 miles away trying to get to her side. Because of this, I think they were able to make their peace and come to terms with the fact that she would die, where I really didn't.
I was schuleded to deliver my load tomorrow, however the company was able to find a driver to deliver it for me. I am very thankfully for this, as I haven't had more than 4 hrs of sleep a night for the last 4 days, and I am really not in the proper state of mind to be driving.
Normally I am the strong one in these type of matters, the rock that everyone else turns to for support. It has been this way for as long as I can remember, but now I find myself on the other side of the fence.
I will write more later.
My mom died on Saturday April 28th, 2006 at the age of 61. I wasn't able to get a load and get home in time. Once again I was a day late and a dollar short. While I am sure my mom knew that I did everything reasonable to get home in time, I find I am deeply troubled by my inability to do so, more than I would like to admit.
My Dad and my Sister are taking her death much better than I am, but I suppose that is because they were with her from the very start, while I was breaking every rule in trucking over 1,500 miles away trying to get to her side. Because of this, I think they were able to make their peace and come to terms with the fact that she would die, where I really didn't.
I was schuleded to deliver my load tomorrow, however the company was able to find a driver to deliver it for me. I am very thankfully for this, as I haven't had more than 4 hrs of sleep a night for the last 4 days, and I am really not in the proper state of mind to be driving.
Normally I am the strong one in these type of matters, the rock that everyone else turns to for support. It has been this way for as long as I can remember, but now I find myself on the other side of the fence.
I will write more later.
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