Never Thought I Would See The Day

Saturday, with all the things going on I felt the need to get out of my environment, and clear my head and try to gain some perspective on things. So I made a few calls to to people I know on Washington Island, made arrangements to spend the night with some family friends and promptly left. The Island can be very peacefully and tranquil and it allowed to see that I wasn't trying to escape from my environment, I was trying to escape from myself.

It was a nice break and change of pace, and while I could have stayed there as long as I wished, I felt I had gained all that I was going to from it within 24 hrs so I returned today.

Before I left on my little escape I did finally get my finger printing done for my hazmat so Monday I can start calling recruiters.

On some site news, I have been forced to remove comments from one of my viewers. I really never thought that I would be forced to do so. I guess I just felt that people would have enough respect to act in a civilized manner, but there is always that 1. While I have no problem with anyone voicing their opinion, dissenting or otherwise, I won't allow disrespectful or slanderous comments. I damn sure will not allow anyone to disgrace a fallen solider, no matter how he leaves this earth! For your information Jessiesgirl, that soldiers name is Spc. MacDonald, his friends called him "Mac". Don't ever do something like that again or you will be banned. I will not tolerate it.

To the rest of my viewers and posters, I apologize for this distasteful event.

Just Another Love Song

I wrote a song, yesterday before I had the big blow up with Stephanie, and I am in a sharing mood. I am still working on the music for it, but it is based on a song by Bon Jovi. I liked the theme of the song so much so that it inspired me to write this.

My Soul Is Bleeding In My Arms

Oceans keep on crashing their, crashing in my mind,
Praying that I will just drown, as the sun starts going down,
Too tired to keep on swimming, I don't, feel like being saved,
Just let me sink under these waves, and forever drift away

No sense of having hope when there is, no one left to save,
So I will just close my eyes forever, and will it all away,
I just lie here dieing, since you went away
I say these words to you my love, as time just slips away,
And my soul is just bleeding in my arms.

I think my soul just died or, was it yesterday
Time it has no meaning, there is no tomorrow anyway
Life is like a heartbeat, drumming on my soul
And when it's gone, so am I, with all my pain foretold

To hell with being positive, there is no common ground
I would jump off this building, if It wasn't so far down
And I can't fight these feelings, that are coursing though my veins,
The pain it won't subside as I am, being blown away,
While my soul is just bleeding in my arms.

No sense of having hope when there is, no one left to save,
So I will just close my eyes forever, and will it all away,
I just lie here dieing, since you went away
I say these words to you my love, as time just slips away,
And my soul is just bleeding in my arms.
my soul is just bleeding in my arms.

My life it was so simple, when I had you by my side,
A future filled with purpose, that could never be denied,
Walking forward with you, was like walking on sacred ground,
But now the worlds on fire, and I can not hear a sound,
Your voice is not in the darkness, to lead back around.
And my soul is just bleeding in my arms.

What point is there to love, when it can be all but blown away,
A lifetime of commitment against, becoming your hearts slave.
Misery loves company, I like the way that sounds,
I would rather die miserable, than fill a hole in the ground.

There is no sense of having hope when there is, no one left to save,
So I will just close my eyes forever, and will it all away,
I just lie here dieing, ever since you went away
I say these words to you my love, as time just slips away,
And my soul is just bleeding in my arms.
And my soul it is bleeding in my arms.

Let these blood stained tears be, all my penance paid,
For a world without tomorrow, leaves you no where left to stay,
This burning in my veins is, all of the remains,
Of what my love for you had, there is nothing left to say
I will take my only last breath, with all my thoughts of love for you today,
And hold it all inside of me, never to escape.

There is no sense of having hope when there is, no one left to save,
So I will just close my eyes forever, and will it all away,
I just lie here dieing, since you went away
I say these words to you my love, as time just slips away,
And my soul it is bleeding in my arms.

My soul it is bleeding in my...
There is no sense of having hope when there is, no one left to save,
So I will just close my eyes forever, and will it all away,
I just lie here dieing, ever since you went away
I say these words to you my love, as time just fades away,
And my soul it is bleeding in my arms.
My soul is just bleeding in my arms.
My soul is just bleeding in my arms.
my soul it is bleeding in my arms.

Copyright 7/29/2005 All Rights Reserved

The Price Of Love, Part 2

I promised my viewers that I would never make my blog a battleground for a pissing contest, and I have no intention of that now or ever. I will post my thoughts, feelings, and adventures. The other thing I promised myself is that I would never censor or remove a comment, unless the post was pointless and had no relevance to this blog. And while I was very tempted in my angered state to remove Stephanie's comment, I feel that it would degrade and cheapen the whole reason it was created. I will however defend myself, my words, and my blog. And so with that I will address Stephanie's comments.

To start with, I did not have my EX roommate over when we spoke. Matter of fact she never came over. Secondly, I have not miss-represented ANYTHING to my readers at anytime, and your own words Stephanie prove that.

What I find disturbing, is that a person would say things like "I love you", and elude to there being a future together, and then want money for things that one person paid in the course of that relationship, now hence past. Geeze, how many years did I support the household, how many of the bills did I pay. Yet, I have never asked for a dime. I have never stooped so low to boil a relationship down to monetary number. The very fact that Stephanie was so interested in getting money, and makes me really question if I "took it all out of context", is the fact that she wanted me to sell the $5000 engagement ring I gave her so she could get her beloved money. Humm, how exactly am I to interpret that?

I will agree that I was royally pissed off when I made my evening post yesterday, and that I did throw a few punches with my comments and that it was not right for me to do so. However, that is the way I felt at that time, and to a certain extent, still do. This "event", strikes a nerve even future considering I allowed Stephanie to spend beyond the budget on her 2 trips to Reno with her EX just before she left me, and told her at the time that I would need her to put some of her money into the household budget to compensate. Pretty fucked up, leave a person so they no longer have a home, destroy all the plans that everything was based on, requiring them to spend huge amounts of money that you know they don't have, and then ask for more. It don't get much lower than that in my book.

I really didn't think that she was like this. I have never met this new improved Stephanie, but if this is the person she has become, then maybe this is the best outcome. I know she is looking forward to this public response as she doesn't return emails for these type of conversations. Some people always want to be the victim, even when it is there actions that put them there. At least I accept my mistakes and the consequences for them.

The sick part is that part of me feels such a level of desperation for my life with her, I really want to belive I "took it all out of context". Yet her words say one thing, and her actions say another. She wants to be paid for money that she paid into the expenses of the household, and yet says that she is considering changing her mind on ending things. Doesn't seem to make much sense to me, so I don't really know what to belive. Maybe things will become clearer after I have had time to cool off and calm down.

I have tried to keep this post from becoming a battlefield and I hope that I have succeeded. If I haven't, please feel free to post your objections so I can find another way to address such things in the future.

The Price Of Love

I never knew that you could put a price on love, but tonight I found out that apparently you can. $4000 is the going rate, or so I have been informed by my EX. Maybe that is what it costs to buy a someone new, or to move her new piece of ass into her new house. I don't know, this is all new to me. I have to remember that trick, say "I love you" then hold out your hand for money. Humm, might work for me someday. I am sure I can arrange her to get it from my life insurance policy, someday.

Just Kicking These 4 Walls

Well I finally got through to the company that handles the finger printing for the DOT and TSA to get my Hazmat endorsement. It only took a week and about 20 hrs on hold total but I got my appointment set for tomorrow morning at 10am. One obstacle down but many more to go. Monday I will start calling some other carriers and try to line up a job.

On the personal side of things, I wish I could say I was doing better but that would be a lie. At times if feels like things are worse. In as little as 2 weeks I have to be able to face my EX to pack up my life and put it in storage; I have no idea how I am going to handle that. No way I will let her see me like this, even if she knows it I will be damned if she will see it with her own eyes if I can avoid it.

I also have to start packing up things here at my apartment. In order to attempt to prevent having to sell my car to manage this massive change in my life, I have found that it will be cheaper for me to just ship as much of my things as I can to Cali, pack up what I have at Stephs, rent a truck out there and put it all in storage. This plan should save me about $1000 over renting a truck here and driving out there. I will have to sacrifice a few items, mainly my futon and my extra set of tires and wheels, as it will cost me 4X what it is worth to ship and I can't fit in my car. I thought about renting a one of those tow carriers, but my car sits so low to the ground as it is I am not sure it is even possible not to mention that I would need a tow hitch installed and I am not thrilled at the idea of that.

P.S. I think this weeks image is trying to tell me something :(

Life Can Be Such Hell

Sorry about the lack of posts for the last few days. Tuesday answered my post title for Monday, "Can this get any worse". Well I found out on Tuesday that could. I am not sure quite what happened, I guess you just can hold it all in though god knows I tried. I had a total breakdown and fell completely apart. I had no sense of time or being, and I couldn't stop it even for a moment. Very un-like me as I have always been the one who is able to keep my emotions in check and never let them interfere with my life no matter what. But I guess even I have my limits, a breaking point where all the little tricks I have used over the years were worthless to me this time. A writer once said that a persons being is made of glass and that time tempers it, and that every tragic event leaves a small crack in that glass, and how eventually that glass will become so full of cracks that it will break and shatter. It is an interesting theory.

Philosophy has interested me as long as I can remember and I have found much of it very useful over the years, but during my breakdown I was reminded of one that I had read about and did little to improve my mood.

I remember reading in a book once someone said, "You can't cheat death, and those who do will experience death over and over for all eternity."; And I wonder if this writer, whose ideology at the time I simply dismissed as a person who couldn't take accountability for his own choices in life, was right all along. I look back on my life and I have cheated death a few times, more than once I should not have made it out of a situation alive. Time comes to a complete stop when one is staring death in the face, but I remember thinking to myself that I have a choice. I can do nothing and just die right here quick and relatively painless or beat the odds and save my own ass. And I remember thinking of Stephanie at those times and how I couldn't leave her, how my death in some third world shit hole country would simply kill her, and that was all I needed to force myself to move out and defy all the odds to be able to come home to her. But as I reflect on that now I wonder, am I now paying a debt for refusing to die all those times before? As the saying goes, "The Devil Always Gets His Dues".

I got some decent sleep for a change Tuesday night, most likely from a lack of options. You can only stay awake for just so long, and I think I finally hit my limit after 4 days. I really didn't want to be alone on Wendsay, but my only option was my ex-roommate, and that really wasn't an option. I know that she has feelings for me and I am in no shape mentally or emotionally to deal with that. I know things would go in a direction that is not fair or right for anyone involved, yet I needed to do .....something, I needed to feel wanted and feel that I belonged and female companionship was not the answer!

As I needed to feel a sense of belonging, I decided the only place to do that was with people who share similar interests. It has been a long time since I have had the feeling that I didn't belong. In the military, I had my fellow soldiers, was accepted and I belonged. After the service Stephanie filled that need, and now that she is gone that feeling has left me as well. So what to do? I had just the answer, it would only be a for a short time, but maybe that would be enough. I drove down to the Chicago Speedway, and joined up with some gear-head speed junkies. Racing! Even though my basically stock Mitsubishi Eclipse is no competition for 95% of the cars there, it wasn't about winning today. For me it was it was a place where I could belong. I could also push myself and tap dance with that little bit of self destructive part of me as well.

I have never advocated street racing, and I never will. There is no reason for putting other people lives in harms ways just to satisfy ones self destructive, thrill seeking desires. But on a racetrack I can do just that. I can push myself and my machine to the very limits and beyond if I so desire. Sitting on the razors edge between life or possible death at 120MPH is an exhilarating feeling.

The most expensive part of the trip was the gas there and back, but it was a trip that I needed to take. I had to find a place where I was welcome, and that I belonged and was wanted just the way I am. No questions asked, no expectations.

Some of the folks at the track had some pretty impressive cars. This guy "Jake" had a very sweet Accura Integra that would do 160MPH. He competes at many of the local meets and drag strips but is looking for something more. But none the less he gave me a ride in his car at upward of 150 mph. This speed is over the track imposed limit of 130 so he only ran one lap.

It was a nice release, even though it was short lived and today I feel alone and lost once again, but that is life and I can't afford to hide from reality forever. Wish I could, but.....

Onto other news. I think I have my moving plans figured out now, I still need to talk to Steph and make sure I won't interfere with her social calendar but it is coming together. I am going to try and maintain my residency in the State of Wisconsin as it will keep my car insurance down, as well as a few other costs. Not sure if that is going to work, but I mean really, I don't have a home, so who can say where I live? Technically I am homeless after my lease expires so it is worth a try to save some money.

One of the other big problems right now is getting my fingerprints taken for my hazmat endorsement. Apparently, the company that handles it, Promissor, should have hired me to handle their telecom move as there system is now completely down. I called the Wisconsin DOT to find out what to do, and they don't have a clue. I have been trying for a week to get an appointment but there is only 1 phone number and now you only get a busy signal. Guess this is how Homeland Security is going to work, if you can't get the endorsement you can't be a security risk.....LMAO! I am going to try and find a State level number to contact the DOT and see if I can get some answers that way. I need to get this done before I leave for California, and before it will do me any good to call and talk to these other carriers about a job. They won't hire you unless you are in the process of getting your hazmat endorsement, and without the fingerprinting I can't get the endorsement. Way to go DOT!!

Can This Get Any Worse?

Last night Stephanie and I had a long talk on the phone. I thought all that I needed to know was the reason why no matter what the answer was, and that somehow that knowledge alone would make everything at least bearable, and easier. But I was wrong. While I now understand her reasons, it didn't make me feel any better.

I wish I could have slept, but all the liqueur and crying in the world wouldn't let the pain ease up enough for me to sleep. I don't remember when I last ate so I tried to force myself to eat something, but I just couldn't do it.

This morning I went to my counseling session and I was right about a few things. The psychologist said that my little incident was a very bad sign and if it weren't for the fact that I was aware of what happened he would have had no choice by law but to commit me for a 48 observation and suicide watch. He did however strongly advise that I not be alone for any period of time, even though that is not an option for me. I have no one here, it is 2500 miles to the only place on this earth I called home, and that in a way, no longer exists. So I am kind of screwed there.

In Stephanie's comments she mentioned a song, and that I have had in my MP3 collection for sometime, I wonder if she knows just how close to home that song really is for me. For a moment today I actually was able to push all this out of my mind as if it never happened, but I didn't have a prayer in hell of keeping it there. When everything came crashing back down on me, I was so angry at myself for doing that, for even thinking of trying to forget. And I know that I can't. I can't let go and I can't move on and I don't think any part of will would let me even if I wanted to. Some may say that I am just living in false hope, and they might be right, but it is all I have got. Without it there is no point in even seeing tomorrow. What good is life if the one you love isn't there to share it with.

I have always been the one to say that life is a series of choices that you make, and I know the choice I should make, but it is the one that I just can't do. So I will be here waiting, this pain is now my existence till either she finds her way back to me or the pain become more than I can bear. But, there is more to life than just pain and death, there is bills and taxes. And so with that....

I called my recruiter for Deboer and got the bad news as to why I hadn't heard back from them. My application was rejected at this time, but from what he implied from the conversation I got the feeling that it was because of my accident in 2002 and that they couldn't accept me till after that falls off my 3 year record in October. So, I am looking at some of the other carriers that I rejected because of their home time and routing policies. As in the next 3 weeks I won't have a home to go home to, I guess home time doesn't really matter. I can drive till I die.
The one obstacle in all that is the 2 other carriers that were on my high consideration list, Crete, and US Express, both require the Hazmat endorsement. And even though I really can't afford the extra $76, I went down to the DMV anyway and started that process. It can take up to 90 days to complete so I will call these 2 recruiters today and tomorrow to find out what the process is and what the next step is now that I have applied. I still have to get the finger printing done, but I am not sure if I do that now or after I get the confirmation back from the TSA on my background check. I know that I will have no problems with the background check as I have done a few of them, hell one was less than a year ago and was much more extensive than what the TSA will do.

While i was trying to work on the whole job front of things to help take my mind off the other big thing, they collided in mid-air. Stephanie's leaving me has had a few other repercussions that I hadn't thought of till now. First and foremost is the fact that I don't have a home, and therefore no address or residence. No place to send mail to or get mail from. I guess when I go out there I will have to just get a P.O. Box or something, but many places require a physical address. Not sure how the hell I am going to address that. The other is the whole fact that all the things that we had discussed regarding finances, and bill paying while I am on the road is now all shot to hell along with my budget for the first of next month. To add even more to it, we were going to transfer her old cell phone over to me and get on a shared cell phone plan so I had a phone while I was on the road. I guess I need to figure out something else in that regard as well.

There are so many things that you just never consider when your in a long term relationship. So many things that you rely upon each other for. Now that much of that is gone it is going to make this life altering career change 1000x more difficult than I ever thought it could be. Overwhelming is really an understatement as all the planing that went into this included her.

Just To Lighten My Mood

Part of my problem, and I am sure the reason my anger keeps resurfacing no matter how hard I try to keep it away is that I have nothing to do with my time other than listen to music. Music is evil when you feel like this. Every song reminds me of her in some way or another.

I own everyone, Stephanie included an apology for letting my anger get the best of me. It is hard to be rational right now, but I am doing my best. What makes it worse is I have no one to turn to. No one to talk to. I haven't even been able to talk to Stephanie, though I guess I can't blame her for not taking my call with my recent fits of anger. All I can do spend my time selling off everything thing I have worked for in my life to make a 2800 mile trip that will mean the end of my life as I have known it for 12 years. Not exactly things that put a smile on your face, or pleasant thoughts in your mind. I am sure when it is all said and done, and the dust settles I will have nothing left. A lifetime of work destroyed in the time it takes to say 3 words. LOL, if I thought that things were financially tight with her....... well, it doesn't matter. They can come for whatever is left, or garnish my wages for the rest of my existence however long I have to endure that.

But I thought I would put a funny spin on disaster! Maybe someone will get a laugh out of the images.





The one song that seems to ease my pain is by Mark Collie - In Time. Good song and hope it is true.

Goodnight

I Really Need To Stop Thinking

God I wish Stephanie would hurt as bad as I do. But I know she doesn't. Hell if she read this blog since she left me I am sure she would just laugh her ass off at what she accomplished. The big bad soldier all broken into pieces. But that is OK, Karma is a wicked and vengeful bitch and it will come her way 10 fold. OK, OK, so I have had a bit of an anger relapse today. I just can't seem to get around that anyone could just throw away 12 years and not even want to attempt to fix it. What on earth would make anyone do something like that?

I wish hope would start to fade a little, or at least give me a moment of peace. I really should just accept the fact that she is gone and she wants nothing to do with me anymore, but it is a hard thing to accept after being with her for 12 years. I remember planning our wedding, we were going to have a Renaissance themed wedding, and afterwords I had planned a trip around the world on the Queen Mary 2. I needed a year to save up the money for the honeymoon alone. I had been saving for it in a separate savings account the last 3 years. Guess it will become my retirement account now. But I can almost picture her all dressed up, wearing her sword, and gauntlet's, in tall leather boots and a tight black leather bodice.

That is one thing about memories, you can't burn them like photos. There is no way to get the images out of your mind, and every little thing brings them back to life, and with them all the pain.

Earlier, when I had my "interesting" trip to the gas station for some more smokes, I saw these totally cool engraved jumbo zippo lighters. I instantly bought one, thinking how Stephanie would simply love it, as she collects them. It wasn't till after I had gotten home and was trying to think of how I wanted to gift wrap it, that it dawned on me that she left me. I felt so stupid, and then I was angry at her for making me think of her and how getting her this simple gift made me happy. Damnit!

Damnit, I Might Have A Real Problem

Something happened a little while ago that I am not sure if I should share or not but I feel that it helps me address things when I post here, so I am going to anyway.
I had to go out for cigarettes as I was down to 3 an they sure wouldn't last long. So I went out to my car and started driving to the gas station is about 3 blocks away. A moment later I was doing nearly 80mph heading for a T intersection with no desire at all to stop. The thought that I had to stop just wasn't even there. The thought of crashing through the intersection and into the building that lie beyond was actually a very peaceful one. But the thought of innocent people that might get hurt came to mine and was enough to snap me out of whatever it was that I was in at the time and I slammed on the brakes and came to a stop.

This really alarms me as as I really had no concept of what was going on or what I was doing during those few minutes. Well I guess if I ever had any questions in my mind that if I needed to get professional help this event sure as hell answered that for me. I think I will keep my travel as limited as possible. I don't want to experience that event again.

After this "event" I have became concerned as to my mental health. I hope I can keep my shit together. I called a counseling hotline number that I looked up to find out if this event was something super serious, like so serious that I need to admit myself to a nut house for a while. The lady I talked to, Jean, said that this is a cry for help, and/or pity. I really don't want help, unless I am a danger to someone else of course, and I damn sure don't want anyones pity! But what "Jean" said made me think about all the times though life that I have seen on the news and once in person (one of my soldiers committed suicide right in front of me by blowing his brains out), people that are threating to kill themselves might just be the people asking for help. In my case I didn't even realize it was happening so I don't think that is relevant. Suicide is the easy way out, I have never taken the easy way out of anything in my life and I damn sure am not about to start.

None the less, this unexpected event has left me a bit shaken. If anything like this happens again I may have to postpone my new career as a truck driver till I get some help and figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Don't need an event like this to happen driving a 80,000lb truck down the interstate that is for sure.

I am thinking that I may have had a momentary break in reality. Sure, I would give anything to not hurt the way I do. Hell, I would have rather Stephanie took my 12ga shotgun from our bedroom, put it point blank to my chest, kissed me and pulled the trigger, than to go though what I am going through now. But of course life is never that simple or easy.

I hope the fact that I realize something is not quite right is a good sign, and that I can keep it from getting any worse. Otherwise I will be posting from a nut house and will have to re-name my blog "The diary of a mad man". Thanks for letting me ramble.

Well I Guess It Is Final

I got pretty drunk last night, in the vain attempt to drowned my sorrows, but it didn't help at all. This morning when I woke I had actually looked forward to a hangover, hoping that that pain would override the other. It didn't even come close, matter of fact I couldn't even tell I had a hangover. Well at least not though pain that is.

I resisted the urge to check my email and see if Stephanie had replied. I had sent her an email asking her to reconsider her decision to leave and to not throw away 12 years of our lives. So, as hard as it was I just left the house and went to the church that I found in the phone book last night. Religion is really not something I believe in, I believe that we make our own fate though our choices in life. That there is no higher power at work, and I believe that now more than ever. No "god" with any level of morality would inflict this level of pain and despair on anyone. But I went anyway. I needed a miracle and even blind faith in something you don't believe in is better than nothing at all.

Well at least for all the good it did.

When I got home, I was faced with checking my email. (And to answer your question as to why email, no she wouldn't call, cause then I could actually respond. Same reason she ended a 12 year relationship and engagement over the phone instead of doing so in person.) At first I really wanted to check my messages with a sense of hope, and then it hit me, but what if.......

Pure fear like that I have never felt in my life hit me like a freight train and brought me literally to my knees. I have served in Iraq, and knew that I had less than a 1% chance to live, yet even then I never felt fear like this.
It took me nearly 20 mins of pacing and intrepidation to bring myself to open my email client, and was only after I was able to get up off the floor.

Well, I think you know what it said by the title of this post. Well I should say what it implied. Stephanie has never actually directly answered a question, I guess that way she doesn't feel any responsibility for her actions and she can blame things on anyone else. But this is nothing new, I guess I just felt that I at least deserved at least 1 honest and direct answer at a time like this. But even that is apparently too much to ask for, and I think it is that mentality that hurts worst of all.

I still have no idea how to pick up the few crumbs that is left of my life. People tell me that I need to move on,and get on with my life, but what the hell does that mean! Move on to what? Get on with WHAT life?! As a great Sci-Fi writer once wrote, An existence without purpose is the definition of death. Up until now I had purpose, creating the best life I could for my girl and me together. I have never wanted for myself, always for those I loved. A friend said that time will heal all wounds, but I don't want to heal. I don't want to forget this, so I make sure I never let it happen again. Someone said, Find someone new. Why, so I can go though this hell again? And Again, and again. No thanks.

This was the second time I have been engaged and it will be the last. Fool me once, shame on you, fool my twice shame on me.

Today Came Early

I woke up after 4 hours of sleep, I guess I my mind wanted to see if it was really true as well as I did. And yup, sadly it is. I really hoped It was all just a very bad dream, but it is not. Part of me just wanted to cry myself to sleep and never wake up again so I wouldn't be real.

I am not as angry as I was before I slept, just kinda of hurt, numb, and depressed. I find myself wondering, What the hell do I do now? I haven't given up all hope that things may change, maybe that is just wishful thinking to ease the pain. I am going to goto church on my own for the first time in 13 years, hell I will try anything at this point. A good friend of mine was utterly shocked and speechless at the news, I know that feeling. You know, after 12 years, I can't even remember not being with my girl, we have been together for almost half my life. My friend suggested that I get some professional counseling no matter what the final end result is, and I think he is right. If nothing else maybe it will help me keep my sanity if nothing else. So I have made an appointment for Monday, thankfully the VA will cover the $200 2 hr session. Beyond that I don't have a clue where to go from here.

As I listen to Crossfade- Dead Skin, I think I now understand what the song is all about and what it is saying, and Puddle of Mud - Away From Me........ OK, listening to music might not be such a good thing right now.

While I really have no desire to eat it will give me something to do. Talk to you all later.

I tried to call my recruiters, but with it being the weekend I probably won't hear back till Monday, but I have to say that I feel pretty indifferent towards it now. I have lost the enthusiasm that I had just 48 hrs ago. My graduation from truck driving school seems like a mute point. I know that I should feel a great sense of personal accomplishment in it, but somehow I just don't seem to have that anymore.

Just Another Fucked Up Day

Let me give everyone a piece of advice, if your going to leave someone for someone else, don't make excuses about it, just own it. As I am sure you can tell, things here on the home front are from from great. Well I guess I should leave out the "HOME" front as I don't have one anymore. My relationship of 12 years ended at 1:20 am. Guess I have known that this was going to happen for a while now. Don't get me wrong, all things are a 2 way street and I caused plenty of the problems, but it is pretty fucked up getting strung along for months. I always thought that if things came to this, she would at least have the decency to tell me to my face, one would think after 12 years I deserve that much. Guess not. Really goes to show just how much some people care.

What is really fucked up is to have the other party on another phone when you do it, that is priceless! What would the mastercard commercial look at for that one:

1 Engagement Ring $5,000
12 years of your life on the line $500,000
1 long distance phone call for 20 mins $13.75

Having the other guy on another phone when she leaves you PRICELESS!

OK, yea I am pissed off and bit bitter. Is it fair, nope, but nothing in life ever is.

So, now that I am homeless, at least till I get my shit moved out, and I have no one worry about other than myself, it should make my job search interesting. I guess I don't have to worry about Home Time.....LMAO That is going to make me laugh every time a recruiter mentions it. Home, what home.......What a fucking mess.

Always seems to go that way, you get one thing to go right and everyone else fucks everything else up for you. Well, nobody else gives a damn so why should I. Right?

Anyway, aside from losing 12 years of my life in one day, things have to get better. Tomorrow I guess I will try to sell my car so I can afford a U-haul to move my shit out of the house in Cali. Be damned if some other dude, or my EX for that matter, is going to enjoy the benefits of everything I have worked for, for the last 12 years. Then I have to try and call some more recruiters and get a job where I can life on the road, at least till I buy a house, now for myself. Always thought I would be using my VA home purchase benefits to buy a house for Steph and me, not just ME. The messed up thing was I had found 6 different houses that I was going to surprise her with the option of picking when she came out here. Now i have to call the Realtor and cancel all that. God that pisses me off, and yea OK it hurts pretty good too. It took me 5 years to get into a position that I could do this and literally 1 fucking week before I am to unveil the greatest surprise of all time what happens! Guess it is better to find out before hand, still sucks though.

Yup, I know, I am still pissed........ guess I will end this post for now as I doubt that I can keep my fingers from venting my absolute pure unadulterated anger. Granted I shouldn't dwell on it as I can't change it anyway.

Just another fucked up day!

Graduation Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was Graduation Day!!!! Congratulations to all of FVTC class of May 2nd - July 21!!

It was a bit of a bittersweet day, we were all very proud of what we had accomplished to be able to graduate yet at the same time we will miss spending the time with each other as well as our instructors. We had a group photo session that I will add to this post once I get a digital copy of the picture. Seems weird to know that tomorrow I will not be there anymore and that it is time to move on to other things, like getting a job doing what I was trained for.

I feel very fortunate that I choose Fox Valley Technical College for my Truck Driving Training. The instructors are literally top notch! They really showed that they cared and did whatever was needed to help us succeed, learn and grow into this new profession. I know that I have received the best training that is possible! I will wear my training as a badge of honor.

I will post the picture of all of us with the staff all wearing the shirts that we had made up and wore as soon as I get that digital copy.

What An Adventure!!!

Well as I said yesterday today we had 7 trucks making deliveries of real loads to Sheboygan. My I drove my load there and John my co-driver drove the empty back. I have no problems with my load at all. Here is some pics of my load and truck. Sorry for the poor quality, I enhanced the pics in photoshop the best I could.









As you can see from the next set of pics my load was precariously situated.

















We left in 3 groups mainly to offset and stage our arrival times, this still worked but only to an extent after going up an fairly steep hill one of the van trailers had a slight problem. Their load broke free inside the trailer going up the hill and slammed into the trailer doors. This is why load securment is so very critical. Here some pics of the damage. Trailer doors cost about $900! Thankfully the drivers are in school, and they won't have to pay for the damage.








After this incident took place about 5 of the trucks pulled over on the side of the road to help re-secure their load. There was no way to do this on the up-hill side of the grade so they had to move to the downhill side. If that load was heavier or had more room to move it could have punched right out the back of the trailer. This is why checking your load durring your trip is so very important. Had the drivers not stoped and checked their load, the end result could have been much, much worse.


Here is a pic of all of us for the pre-trip meeting.





This is a pic of the schools mechanics bay/repair shop where we get our trucks fixed.





And last, here is a pic of the new Phase One students getting a pre-trip demo from 2 Phase 4 teams.





Hope you like the pics!

Getting The Show On The Road

What a great day!! While I was only feeling about 80% better, it was much better than yesterday. I think the extra rest helped more than anything, and I am still not sure what is/was wrong with me.

As I stated yesterday, today I had a long haul assignment. My transport was to take my truck with a 45 foot flatbed trailer to Marshfield, WI; about 130 miles one-way. When I got to Marshfield I was to pick up a load of trams (4 wheel carts that get towed by a pintle hook farm tractor). I was accompanied by 2 other trucks will 48 foot trailers with the same load assignment. Each of up was to pick-up 2 trams each.

As I wasn't feeling 100% yet, I felt it best to take the deadhead drive to pick-up the load and let John drive the loaded flatbed back. I think I would have been fine but better safe than sorry considering this is a REAL load.

The drive to Marshfield was uneventful, and it was a very pleasant drive and great weather for it. When we arrived at the pick-up point we decided to load the 2 van trailers first and do my flatbed truck last. And that is when the pain began!

Both of the van trailers are 48 feet long and 102" wide, the trams..........about 101 1/2" wide! And I am not even exaggerating! It took quite an effort to get the 2 van trailers loaded, and there is some "scars" on the inside of the trailers to tell the tale. All these trams really needed to be loaded on flatbeds only, and they lied to the school about just how wide they really were. Securment was a real pain in the vans as you couldn't really do much with the load as you had no room to work at all. So we helped with the blocking and bracing and just did the best we could. My turn was next....

My flatbed trailer is 45 feet long and 96" wide, which made loading these 101 1/2" wide trams precarious to say the least (I will take my crappy digital camera with me to school tomorrow and take a few pics of the job we did and post them up tomorrow).
We had to get the loader to position each tram so the very center of the tires on both sides were perfectly centered on the sides of my flatbed. This left us with about 2 inches of the trams tires hanging over the sides! Not pretty, but we had to work with what we had. On top of that the trams really needed to be loaded on a 48' flatbed because we had the tongue of the end tram hanging off the end of the flatbed. This caused a minor problem as the front most wheels were lifted off the bed of the trailer. We braced up the front as best we could to get the wheels down as much as possible, but we just couldn't quite make it happen as we would have liked. After we got them loaded we had to nail down blocks to prevent the trams from moving forward or backwards as well as from side to side. If one of the trams shifted as much as 2 inches to either side, we were Majorly screwed, as these trams weight about 2,000 lbs each, if one side fell off the edge of the flatbed there was no hope of getting it back up there without a forklift or a crane.

After we got all the blocks in place and nailed down (not an easy task as it would seem), we then used ratchet style cargo straps to secure the trams by running the straps around the axles. 1 cargo strap per axle each pulling opposite directions. We also strapped down the end of the last tram (the end thats wheels is off the flatbed) as tight as we could. That was all we could do, and so we headed on back to school.

The trip back was uneventful. We stopped twice to check out load securments and everything was just as it was when we left. Only one of the cargo straps was a bit loose so we ratcheted it down again good and tight. Our second stop was at a truck stop to check our loads and grab a bite to eat, one of the van trailers had a problem. The tram closest to the doors had broken free for the front blocks securing it and had to be re-nailed down and secured. When we got back to school with our loads and started to back our flatbed up, we heard the most awful sound coming from the rear most axle. It sounded like the brakes were not totally releasing and were rubbing a bit. Not enough to lock up the wheels or anything, but enough to heat up the rims to the point you couldn't touch it without getting burned. Not good, so we called over one of the mechanics and had it put into the shop to get checked out and repaired. It has to get repaired tonight as we have to deliver all the freight from yesterday and today to Sheboygan tomorrow. All 7 trucks are going to delivering, so it will be an interesting day tomorrow as well.

After dealing with all the hassles in bracing and blocking and strapping of those trams on the flatbed, I am not sure I would ever want to pull flatbed. But, who knows, it was allot of work, and I had 5 other people there to help me secure it, I can't see it going nearly as well if it were just me, myself, and I. All in all it took us 2 1/2 hrs to load and secure 6 trams, 2 in each truck with all of us helping each other. It would have taken at least that long for us to do it by ourselves loading and securing 1 truck.

So tomorrow it is off to make delivery in Sheboygan, and I will tell you all about those adventures and post some pics of this experience. I think it was an awesome experience no matter what. We had a real load to pick-up, had to deal with and work with the customer, work on load securement, and manage our load. Lots of good stuff to learn, and tomorrow will be another great opportunity as well.

Goodnight!

Somethings Just Not Right

I woke up this morning and instantly knew my day would be short lived. Every square inch of my body ached, and my muscles were constantly cramping up with every movement. My first thought was that I was suffering from dehydration after the hot weekend. So I bought a few bottles of water on my way to school and finished a 1 liter before I even got there. I was hoping that I would start to feel better and that things would improve as the day wore on. But by 10:00am I felt even worse, and called it a day while I still could.

I didn't have a long haul trip today but I know I will have one tomorrow, so I am hoping that my re-hydration regime and some extra rest will get me back on my feet by tomorrow. I am not 100% certain that it is dehydration but the symptoms are very similar. I haven't had a case of dehydration since my days in the Army while serving in Iraq, and there is only 1 cure, lots of fluids and rest. The more you push yourself the worse you get.

As of the time of this post I am feeling a little better but not much. I took a 3 hour nap and have been drinking as much Gatorade and Water as my body will allow. I just hope it is enough to get me going by tomorrow.

Another Weekend Come And Gone

This was the last weekend before graduation, and it was a pretty good one. On Saturday I started what will become an annual ritual of sorts, I bought my first Motor Carrier Atlas from the local mom and pop truck stop.

A bit expensive at $34 for something I am sure I could have gotten cheaper elsewhere, well that is if I could have found it elsewhere. I had tried Walmart, and even Barns&Noble, but with the new Harry Potter book out that was everyones ONLY concern Saturday. Barns & Noble resembled a Harry Potter movie set in-between shoots there were so many people there all dressed up, including the B&N employees. Little else seemed to matter to them, so my request at finding a Motor Carrier Atlas fell on mostly def ears. After telling the 100th store employee that I was not interested in buying the new Harry Potter book (not that I don't like the series, actually I rather enjoy it, but I had other things on my mind at the time), one employee said to me "Then what are you looking for?" in a tone of voice that implied there was really nothing else more important than Harry Potter and I must be nuts to be there for any other reason. But the employee did finally give an honest attempt to find my request, even looked it up in the computer that said they had 3 copies, but could not find those 3 elusive copies. Ohh well, in the end I did get one and that is the important thing.

Well I am off to bed to get a fresh start at my last week of school.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Well today was quite an......experience, lets just say. For the past week and half I have bitching to my instructors that I haven't really pulled a 53' trailer like I wanted to. I wanted to pull the 53' trailer on the new city driving routes so I would be challenged.

Well ask and you shall receive, maybe more than you really want. Today I got my wish. I was assigned a 53' trailer, with the same Non-turning Peterbuilt truck and took the most challenging route assigned, K route. I now realize that I should have tried this new route with a 48' trailer first, but that wouldn't be like real life, so my stubborn ass told myself, and never did.

Well to keep the post a reasonable length, I needed to button-hook nearly EVERY turn on K route. Of course it wouldn't be an interesting post if I left out the fact that I didn't come to that conclusion till after I hit 2 curbs and just barely missed a stop-n-go light on a median after miss-judging just how tight a turn was. It was bad enough to go over the curb with trailer tires but it is really embarrassing when both your my steer tires and my trailer tires go over the curb. I don't think my fender spot mirrors appreciate the learning experience however, as as I clipped a No-U-turn sign with it. A motorist waiting for the light going the other way got a good laugh out it, but I was not very happy with myself. On one turn even making a VERY WIDE button-hook turn (that really left my trailer too far out from the curb to the point where a car could have gotten past) I still could not negotiate the turn without my trailer tires going up and over the curb.

Pretty piss poor driving if I do say so myself. I really shouldn't beat myself up about it bad as it was basically the first time I have been able to pull a 53' trailer in tight turn city traffic without an instructor with me warning me about a turn, but I am still pretty disappointed in myself. I will be driving that route again on Monday till I can properly gauge these type of turns.

It doesn't really help that my truck has the worst turning radius of all the trucks at school, but that is no excuse. On one hand I am kind of kicking myself for pushing my instructors to add some real difficulty as it has had a direct relation to my embarrassment, but on the other hand I will be a better driver for it, and now is the time to learn these things. It would really suck to go for my road test for the company I will drive for and do as poorly as I did today simply because of the lack of practice.

So the lesson for today is, Don't let embarrassment stand in the way of learning.

Tripping The Plan, Planning The Trip

Well as the title implies today was all about trip planning and I have homework. This is an important part of truck driving, it is more than just picking up a load somewhere and driving it down the highway. You have to figure out when you have to leave, if you have enough hours to make the run, where are you going to get fuel, where are you going to shut down for the night? Is their scale houses on your route? What are that states length/bridge laws and are you legal for that state? What about intercity traffic congestion, and how will these things affect your trip time, or can you take a different route to avoid it all together? These are just a few of the things that a person has to consider being a truck driver in order to get your load to the receiver on time, and it can get quite complicated depending on where your going and what your hauling.

Next week we are going to have some real world experience as the school needs to transport some equipment to somewhere (haven't been giving the info yet), so from Monday - Wensday we get to haul some real loads to real destinations. I am excited about it, and look forward to the experience.

Just Along For The Ride

It was a pretty slow day for me today, most of my class was in Skid Pad training today so I used the time to help out my fellow students. In order for the Phase 1 and 2 students with an IP (Instructional Permit) to be able to go out on the public roads they either have to go with an instructor, or a CDL holding student. As I have already completed 99% of all my tasks, I spent the majority of the day co-riding with IP holding students on the instructor approved routes for those students.

These routes are usually pretty simple routes with a low difficulty level as they are still learning some of the basics, managing space around their vehicle, lane changes, and simple turns. It is a much low stress environment for them as well being out with another student and they learn allot from our experiences and things to watch out for.

Challenges Adieu

Sorry about the lack of a post yesterday, I really wanted to make one, however I didn't really get myself back into my regular school schedule like I should have and found myself totally exhausted. On Monday I didn't really do much other than work on the offset backing exercise. Very simple and passed the test on my first try. My driving partner on Monday however was having trouble most of the morning on his blind side alley dock and I spent most of the morning helping him.

Today I was assigned a new truck (#9259) and a new driving partner, John. John is pretty cool old guy, I can get away with and say that as I know he won't ever see this post, John HATES computers with a passion. This new truck is a split 10 speed transmission that is VERY strict on how it wants to be shifted. Add to that a Cummings engine that builds and drops RPM's like a Detroit and it makes for some interesting sounds.......LOL This transmission demands that you shift in a 200 RPM bandwidth either up or down, between 900 RPM and 1100 RPM. You try and make ANY shift outside that range no matter what, you can forget it. This truck change was a bit of a challenge for me as I have become very comfortable in the Super 10 that I was driving. All the same I still passed my check-on evaluation for the new truck.

This truck is a Peterbuilt, which means that it doesn't have the tight turn radius of the Volvo I was driving. Needless to say my first run with John I had to make a tight right hand turn that landed me driving over the center island with my steer tire, completely. I am sure when truck manufactures design these trucks they try to find a balance between turn radius and tire life, but really now, what good does tire life do you if you can't make turns in the damn truck! Ohh well, just something I have to learn to compensate for I guess.

Tomorrow is my really long day, so I need to head off to bed, because of this don't be discouraged if I am not up to making a post tomorrow night, but I will do my best to try.

Just Another Bump In The Road

Hey folks, as you can tell I live an action packed life. OK, is that evident that I don't? I guess the lack of posts during my off time this week kind of highlights that huh. Ohhh well.

Yesterday I called a few recruiters and got some info that I didn't really want to hear. Like from Crete Carriers, they have a good looking pay package but they require hazmat endorsement (however I just have to have applied prior to being hired), but they also have a restrictive rider policy. They only allow family riders (wife, kids) and with the way things have been as of late,.... well who knows when the whole marriage deal will be if ever. So I am not too keen on that. but today I talked to DeBoer Transport and they seem to have what I am looking for and are pretty positive. Slightly lower pay, but liberal rider policy and say they can get me home more often than once a month. So I am looking pretty hard at them.

Aside from that not much is really going on, lots of stuff on the home front but nothing really worth the ass chewing I would get for venting it here. LOL I am looking forward to next week as I graduate soon. I can feel the pressure and anticipation growing.

Another Day On The Ranch

As some of my views have noticed (and made me very aware of) that I haven't been posting this past week daily like I normally try to. Well the reason is pretty simple, nothing is going on, other than a little housework, grocery shopping and PC maintenance/fine tuning. I really dislike this idle time, and while it has given me the time to get the house work done, call recruiters back, and work on my PC some more, it dulls me to no end.

And the same thing always ends up happening, my mind gets bored and starts working on questions and problems that generally can't be solved. Like what is the last digit of PI!!!! Sure you laugh, but I am the poor bastard with the migraine from it! BTW, 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628
6208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128
......

Yea, major migraine after that. My other favorite that I actually came to a decent answer to was the whole "What is the meaning of life?" question. Well the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy told us the answer is 42. So that took care of that part...LOL. But upon some reflection I realized why we can't answer that question to our own satisfaction. I think it is because Life has a different meaning to each and everyone of us.

Or consider this hypothesis: A sphere has no "end" it just has a boundary. And if you consider that the most organic form is that of a sphere, then ponder this. The earth is a sphere, all the planets in the known galaxy are a sphere, they all travel in a spherical path. The earths "sphere" has a boundary of the outer atmosphere, so then taking that a step further, space it self must be a sphere, and have a boundary. So what is on the other side?

Ahh well, I will stop rambling for now.

Happy 4th of July!!!

Happy 4th of July everyone!!! I hope you all have a safe and fun 4th of July! Lets also not forget what the 4th is remembering. It is remembering our Independace and Freedom. Many have given their lives for us all so we can have these Freedoms.
So take a moment today and think of the soliders, and say a prayer for those who are in harms way.

God Bless America

Just In Time For A Vacation

Today was pretty run of the mill, however this morning I got word that Big Dave's Father has had a heart attack just like Mikes dad. So we would like to send our thoughts and prayers to both families.

I was feeling pretty run down today so I decided to get some work done on the other 2 backing exercises instead of driving routes. But things were getting pretty hectic so I stuck with just working on my blind alley docking. I really thought it was going to be much more difficult than it was, and by 11:00am I was able to get signed off on it by an instructor. My driving partner Dick, was still having trouble with the maneuver by the end of the day and was not able to get signed off on it. He will have to wait till we come back from the holiday break.

Speaking of the holiday, I will be off of school all next week. They really take the 4th of July serious. LOL. So I won't be back till the 11th, with graduation comings very quickly on the 22nd. I have received a few calls from recruiters offering pre-hires that I will need to call back, so the week off will give me ample time to get that done.

Stephanie got home from her Reno trip early this morning. Apparently her friends flight was delayed so that made from a later home arrival time for her. But she made it home safe and sound, that is all that really matters. I hope to get a few things done this afternoon myself. I need to turn in my 60 day notice for my apartment, and I would like to get a haircut as it is getting un-manageable again.