Kick Them While Their Down, AGAIN, and AGAIN...

I was really looking forward to seeing Stephanie and getting some things accomplished for work, but once again.........

It turns out that Stephanies so called plan to meet with me was just another lie, and she really had no plan to meet me at all from the looks of things, as she conveniently will be unable to see me, but maybe in a few weeks or so.... What the fuck ever. A bunch of ghetto white trash drama, and all this from the woman I love and was going to marry!! I guess when they say love is blind what they really mean is once your in love, you become blind, cause I never saw this kind of BS coming. I at least thought that if we were to ever part ways, we would do so openly, and respectfully. Guess that was just wishful thinking on my part, because the reality is far, far, very far from that nice, neat picture. I wouldn't have believed Stephanie to be they type to change for the worse, and become everything she claimed to hate about other people. I have noticed that this has changed me as well and not for the better. I guess it has rubbed off on me as here I sit venting my anger, justified or not, on my blog.

I finally think I have narrowed down what has bothered me the most about all this. The flat out betrayal and the months worth of lies, that is what hurts the most. You would think after 12 years there would be some level of common respect, but I guess that was one sided at best. I remember thinking how excited I was 2 months ago when she said she was going to fly out and see me. How we talked for hours about all the love making we were going to do. I couldn't wait to hold her in my arms, only to find out that it was all a lie. Only to run head first into the brick wall of the truth, but blindly trusted her so much so to never see it. It does make me wonder, how long has she been lying to me? At least 3 months from what from what I can tell when we first started talking about fixing things. It has to be at least that long. But I do wonder how far back the lies go. This wasn't a spur of the moment thing, this was well planned out and timed. Hell, I am surprised she even bothered to tell me, I am sure she thought about just up and moving out of state and leaving my shit behind with a phone call as to where I could find it.

So what does it take to find a honest, mature, adult person to care about? That is what I am wondering. I thought that I had but the events of the past month have proven that I was DEAD WRONG! Even 12 years with her and I would have never guessed her to pull something so low as this. To go from being treated as her lover and life long mate, to something worse than what you would scrape off your shoe is quite a transition to make. I hope it is worth it to her, I really do.

Well now that I know the score and that she could give a crap about me one way or the other, I have no idea if I am going to be able to get the things I need to get done that requires her in person attention or not. It will mean serious complications for me to get a driving job, but I will have to find away around it somehow.

An email from a viewer named Angie that I got today asked me "Why do I post all this stuff about my personal life in my blog? Great question Angie, why am I? So you all can learn from my mistakes. Maybe you will see a pitfall that I have fallen into and can learn from it to avoid it in your relationships. As I have recently learned, trust is a very dangerous thing to give anyone, even the one person you love, cause you never know when they will turn around and betray that trust, all for their own personal gain. And I know what your saying, "That would never happen to me and my girl/wife/etc!" Well guess what, that is the same thing I said and have been telling people who warned me of it for years. I just can't believe they were right. I own my buddy $50 now.

A little survival tip for the men, never allow yourself to rely on a woman. Only rely on yourself, you will live to regret it otherwise, mark my words. And only trust them as far as you are willing to have that trust broken. Sorry to say there is not much you can do about betrayal, you can't go through your whole life with an exit strategy.

The worst part of all this, even after the lies, the betrayal, I still love her with every fiber of my being. Now that is cruel irony!

Just Another SpeedBump

Well yesterday I talked to Stephanie and she agreed to at least meet me to get the business stuff done either tomorrow or Wendsday. I asked if during this visit, the first since she left me via phone call (yea, that one still bugs the hell out of me, after 12 years I think I deserved better than that), we could have a little heart to heart talk over lunch but she has not responded to that yet. This feels like an ugly, and bitter divorce. Still don't know what I did to deserve this treatment, but when your already down on the ground and being kicked, what is the difference between 3 kicks and 5, just a few more, right?

Today I tried to get a copy of the police report from my accident back in 2002. To my surprise, even though I verified that they supposedly had the report over the phone, once in person I find out they can't find the report. So I am SOL on that, I have a call into the 2 recruiters about this problem but I won't be able to get an answer back till tomorrow.

AS promised, I said that if I received comments I would post them. Well I got one in today.

Hello, let me start out by saying I love your blog. I was on vacation last week, so I had to catch up.

I understand you are hurting and I'm sorry. I told my wife about your blog about trucking, or soon to be anyway. I mentioned what you are going through and her comment was....now don't shoot the messenger, but maybe Steff doesn't want you to be gone so much??? She wants someone that will be there every night. I want to drive a truck sooo bad, but she said this about me as well.

Second issue. Aren't you afraid that trucking companies will be reading this and be concerned the way you feel that you may be a risk to them (Liable) while driving their truck?

I have to admit, you don't sound to stable right now.

Your thoughts?

Kevin in Texas

Thanks for writing Kevin in Texas, and maybe your wife is right. I just don't know as I haven't been able to get any real answers from Stephanie. She has stated before that my being gone was not an issue, but I am not sure what I belief anymore. The last 2 months have been so far out in left field and out of character for her, if I didn't know better I would say she hired a script writer or a coach to tell her what to say to any of my questions. I have a good idea of where this thinking of hers is comming from, but if she wants to allow herself to be manipulated by this person there is nothing I can do or aparently say to prevent it. All I can do is try to make her understand how serious I am about her and having a life with her and hope that it is good enough. Hopefully when I actually get a chance to talk to her, we can sort some of this out, but until then there is nothing more I can do.

With regard to what trucking companies think. You make a valid point, and I can't say I am exactly in my right mind right now. On the same token I would never do anything that would bring harm to someone else in me dealing with my own issues. In another way I am kind of glad that I am able to express the way I feel from one moment to the next instead of bottling it up inside me. Sort of like therapy without all the cost. Aside from that, I am not really sure how to address that statement.

BTW, tell your wife thank you for the female insight perspective, and to feel free to share any others that she or you may have. Thanks for writing!

Next Steps

Well the moving is over now. I picked up the last of my things from Stephanies storage unit and returned the trailer the other day. While I am content that this part of things is done I really hate that it had to happen at all, it has been very trying on me mentally and emotionally (not that I can say I am doing all that great in those areas anyway).

But now it has come down to, Is this really the final end? Or is there still the possibility to start over and fix things? While there is no way we can just pick up where things left off, that wouldn't work or do anyone any good, I hope that she will at least consider trying to rebuild our relationship. I am not sure why she has been so negative about everything anyway. Maybe when she will allow me to see her, so we can talk face to face I can find out what I did to deserve that.

It occurred to me today just how much these events have disturbed me, from the very cold and heartless telephone breakup phone call to her refusal to even face me up until now. I guess I just feel that after 12 years I deserved a little better than that. I have never know Stephanie to act or react in this fashion, or betray everything she has always touted that she stands for. Maybe she is just trying to teach me a lesson, one that I won't forget? Or maybe that is just my survival instinct holding on to any hope possible. I don't even know anymore, and I don't understand any of it. I have never known Stephanie to hide from anyone before which does make me curious, is there something that she doesn't want me to see in her? Maybe she is pregnant, and afraid of how I would react? Would explain allot but I don't really believe that that is it. My mind is just jumping from one conclusion to another, madly scrambling to try and understand all the events of the past month, all in vain.

I hope that I will get to see her soon as I really need the paperwork she was getting for me to get my trucking job. Without it I am pretty well screwed, and I need to get that done this week somehow. I know she won't see me while she has her married ex-lover and his wife visiting. I wonder if his wife knows, or if she would even care as I understand their marriage.

I nearly snapped yesterday and thought about just driving up there un-announced, confronting the whole lot and clearing the air and leveling the field. I know that her ex-lover has allot to do with Stephanies decision to up and leave me out of the blue and the way she did it, and a part of me really wants to settle the score. But I know what that would mean. I know that no matter what after that Stephanie would never speak to me again, much less try to fix things between us, and she means allot more to me right now than any anger I feel toward anyone. But it is getting harder to keep these darker thoughts out of my mind, and I really don't want them to consume me. It is not who I am or who I want to be.

So what do I do now? Do I just wait? I don't know what to do. I a few weeks I will have to fly back to Wisconsin to get my Hazmat put on my license, I found out that my "Home State" is the only place that can do that and that I cannot get it done here in California. I am not sure how I am going to manage that, as my move to CA has nearly wiped me out financially. My fuel costs alone where 2.5X higher than I anticipated.

I really need to start driving truck soon. One to get some income to pay the bills, and 2, to give my mind something to do. I have nothing to think about or focus on other than Stephanie, and when we do talk it always seems like it is a major inconvenience no matter what the subject, and that hurts like hell; but at the same time it feels good to hear her voice.

Well enough of my ramblings, time to play some poker online. Who needs sleep, I will get plenty when I am dead.

Packing Down Memory Lane

Today I went up to Napa and picked up everything that was in the storage unit. Stephanie said there is one more load to go so maybe tomorrow I will be able to get the rest of it and be done with the moving part.

I have to say it was pure hell. I really didn't want to get my stuff out. This is far too real, cuts too deep. I know it had to be done, I didn't have a choice really. The decision was made for me. Wish I had had some help, as I nearly threw out my back with all the lifting.

I just cant get my brain wrapped around why this is all happening, and I feel I am losing it. I hope that Stephanie will see me before she leaves the state. Maybe we can spend the day together and talk and doing something together. Don't know if she will allow that or not, but I am sure she won't see me while she has her company in town which is understandable, but who knows when they are going to leave if they even are going to or if they are going to stay through her and her moms move. If that happens I doubt I will see her again.

Tomorrow I will call the San Ramon PD and order my police report and pick it up on Friday. This weekend I am thinking of going to the gun range. Stephanie and I both used to go and I thought about inviting her and my dad but I know she wouldn't go, so I will just go by myself. When I get the 12GA back from Stephanie I will trade it for my dads .357 revolver, so going to the range will be prudent as I haven't fired it in almost 3 years. I have over 150 rounds for it, as well as a few special hollow points. Good enough for a few hours of fun at the range.

On The Downward Path

Tomorrow I will pick up some of my things from the storage unit that Stephanie got. She still hasn't gotten everything moved but it appears that if I don't move some of it out she won't have enough room for everything. Of course, I was only given the information on the storage unit with the understanding that I would make sure to not be there when she was.

I am not sure how much longer I can take this. Every person must know and accept their limitations in life, and I feel I am quickly reaching mine. It is not a thought that I am fond of, but how much can one person bear? I am a criminal that has committed no crime, yet sentenced the ultimate punishment and left with the internal battle to either die over and over every day for the rest of my existence or take the easy way out and spare myself the constant torture. It is one hell of fight in my mind. I mentioned once before that you can't cheat death. As a soldier I faced death on a few occasions and Stephanie is the only reason that I pulled myself through it. This time there is no one to fight for. I don't fear my death, I learned to accept it long ago; soon I will forced to pay the devil what he is due, cause even if there is a heaven they will never let me in.

Everyone keeps saying that it will get better with time, but they just don't get it. Time is my enemy, as my thoughts of her are my tortures. Time. Nothing but time to ask what I did wrong, yet I know the answer, Nothing. Pure illogic. Sentenced and abandoned for nothing, no crime other than loving her and putting my soul on the line to make it work only to face the final betrayal with the highest stakes. Maybe that is why there is hate in life, to keep us from loving too completely. It is a fatal mistake.

I never intended for this blog to become this, it was to be a collection of interesting experiences and great adventures full of hopes and dreams becoming reality with the last woman I will love by my side. But instead it is becoming my memoirs. But, maybe it will help those that I will leave behind to understand the reason why. I hope that they will understand, and I hope that when the time comes that they can forgive me. Even if they can't forgive, I pray that no one blames themselves. And before anyone passes judgment on me, this is not something that I am taking lightly. But what good is life if you can't share it with someone you love? Life is only as precious as those who you share it with, without that your not really alive, you are just existing for the sake of existing.

I remember the question asked "Why are we here?" We are here to enrich each others lives, but we have forgotten that somehow. We are all too concerned with ourselves, and our own self importance, and it is all without meaning. With someone that we love by our side life has meaning, but without it... Some will say I am being selfish and maybe that is partly true. Life isn't scripted, and nothing is set in stone. It is the choices that we make in life that direct out destiny, but sometimes choices that others make affect our lives more than we can adapt for. I wish that I had the strength to get up off my knees, but I also understand futility. I have forever lost my soulmate and have tried everything I know to make her understand how much she means to me, and it is not enough. If you willing will give up everything and yet it still means nothing to a person who you know loves you, then what is left? And what is the point of continuing on when your everything is still not good enough, and has no worth to the only person it should have meaning to? How do you justify your worth in life after that? God, Why do I love her more than I love life it'self.

Maybe I will find the answers before I finaly break, before the pain can completely consume me. Maybe life is simply testing my resolve. Maybe Stephanie is testing me, though I doubt it. I have never know her to use betrayal as a way of testing a person. So I don't think that is it.

But I must try to endure as long as I can, as life is a cruel mistress, and she enjoys watching us suffer right up to the point we can't take an ounce of pain more and then gives us salvation to remind us just how precious life can be. Maybe both Stephanie and I are being tested, to see if we are strong enough to pull each other through and if we are worthy of happiness together.

Only time will tell and a Whiskey Lullaby, but can I withstand it long enough to find out.

The Dimming Of The Lights

I got my storage unit today and unloaded my stuff from the trailer. I am still waiting on Stephanie to finish moving my stuff to the storage unit she is putting my stuff into. We had a long talk about a few things, and I was informed that she didn't appreciate my last post. It was a pretty cruel post on my part and based on allot of assumptions and me venting my frustrations.

I am just so damn tired of this empty feeling inside. I don't feel anger, hate, love... nothing. Just pure nothing. Dead would be a good way of describing it, and maybe that is the way it should feel. I wish it would just end. I would do nearly anything for this feeling to stop right now, but a part of me keeps waiting for a phone call from her saying that it was all a big mistake and she wants me to come home. I know that it probley never going to happen, ok, so I know it isn't there is no probley about it. That little flicker of life will die out soon. To be honest, right now I don't even know who I am anymore. This shell that I have become is not me, I don't know this dead, hollow person in the mirror. Yet at the same time I have no way to get back the person I was before this all happened.

About 2 months ago I had an Ace/King suited, but the flop is a 2,9,J. So I am going to call and see what the turn card holds, but the ante is getting pretty steep to stay in this hand. Maybe it is just time to fold.

I have edited my post from yesterday, I really shouldn't let my frustrations vent in that way. It was a personal attack and it was uncalled for.

On other news I have downloaded a few pics from my cellphone that I took and here they are.

Sunset in Nebraska

Archway Monument - Nebraska

Mountains of Serria Nevada

Finish Line

Well I ended my trip in California. It was only about 700 miles that I had to do today and made good time. Tomorrow I will empty my trailer into a storage unit.

Something that I just couldn't go into earlier was the conversation I had with Stephanie yesterday. Apparently she doesn't even want to see me, well at least not while she has 2 of her "Friends" staying with her. So when her and her "friends" get done packing up my stuff, they are going to take it to a storage unit about 2 hours north of where I am for me to collect. Pretty bad that she would rather pay $50 than face me. Ohhh well, it is her money, whatever. This is supposedly how you say "I am thinking about wanting to work things out?" Cute. Really Cute, now where did I leave my "stupid" sticker?

But wait, I am just supposed to play the sucker/fool and say, "I am sure this is best for everyone, and that everything is just fine". Fuck that. But, I am not mad. You can only get stabbed in the back so many times before you just really don't give a damn anymore. Mad is no longer even an option. The whole reason Stephanie doesn't want me to actually come up to the house to get MY things is she is afraid I will just snap and start yelling at her. Sorry, not worth my time. I don't really care anymore.

So anyway, on to other news. I took some pics with my cellphone during my trip and as soon as I can get them transferred to my email I will post them up. Maybe tomorrow depending if I get my stuff or not and if I get half of it or if I still have to go up there to get it all.

Then after all this BS is done and over with, I have to get all my paperwork to Crete and US Express so I can start my new job. I will have to goto the San Ramon police department to get the police report from my accident. So I will try to get that done on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Edited by me to correct wrongful content and uncalled for venting of personal frustration at the expense of others.

Making Tracks

Yesterday I covered 731 miles and shut down for the night in York Nebraska. Pretty good running. Today I have covered 879 miles for a total so far of 1609 miles. Awesome run for one day. I am stopped for the night at the Flying J truckstop 100 miles east of the Nevada line. Goodnight.

Almost Ready To Roll

Well looks like tomorrow is finnaly going to be the day. I was abel to get everything done that I needed to before my trip. As I write I am waiting to get my oil changed at the mitsubishi dealership.

Only 130 character posts this

Only 130 character posts this sucks. Might be abel to do more in my digital network. Won't be abel to leave till friday for Cali.

Stalled

Well delays again, I got completly moved out of my apartment but the manager had to cancle my inspection till tomorrow

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men.......

The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, as the proverb says and it is so true.

Last night while packing and taking apart my bar stools for my dad, I damn near cut my finger off. I was removing the legs from the swivel bracket when the phone rang. I turned to look at the caller ID and see who was calling and BLAM!!! The legs of the stool turned quickly on me and caught my ring finger in between the 2 plates of the swivel. I moved quick enough to catch the legs and keep them from continuing to move but the damage was done. I really did a number on it, almost took my finger nail off and have a nice hunk of meat from under the nail now on top if it. Needless to say to is going to slow me down.

Today everything went to hell in a hand basket, and it is U-Haul's fault! I was to get my car serviced at 7:30 am this morning, but just after I left they called and rescheduled me for 4:00pm. Didn't think that was going to be a problem so I agreed. At 10:00am I was to go to Sturgeon Bay U-Haul and pick up my trailer, and with my car appointment moved back it would be much easier to make it there on time. When I get there at about quarter till, the U-Haqul manager has no idea what I am talking about, knows nothing about a trailer pick-up and doesn't even have a trailer, nor is she expecting a trailer till the 20th!!! So I call the Green Bay U-Haul office and they tell me they will look into it. 2 hrs later they call and say that someone will call me by 5:00pm and tell me where to get my trailer! WTFH!!!!!

It was already 1:00 pm by the time I made it back to Green Bay and I hadn't gotten a thing done. So I lit up the phone lines trying to get a full days worth of stuff done in half the time. I have been waiting for a call back from the carpet cleaning company Rainbow for 2 days, so I gave them a call. They also took it upon them selfs to cancel my appointment for today and reschedule me for Friday. Well shit, I am not going to be here Friday! So I called my apartment manager and explained the situation and asked what they wanted me to do as it is their policy that the carpet cleaning must be done BEFORE my final move-out inspection. They agreed to waive that for me, as long as I pay to have it done on Friday and leave a check for them. This is another kick in the pocketbook as they charge $150!! Ouch!

I was on my way to the post office to setup my PO Box when U-Haul called to tell me that my trailer was waiting for me at their location and that I needed to come and get it before 4:00. Well great, I am now getting the trailer but it is going to interfere with my car service as they are on opposite sides of town and it is now nearly 3:00pm, rush hour. Just great. So I turn around and head back tot he east side of town, get to the U-Haul center and they tell me they don't have my trailer, the West Side Green Bay U-Haul center does!!! OMG, I am going to kill people! So I demand that they call the other U-Haul center, have someone there physically go outside and check to make sure there is a trailer there for me. They say they do. So back to the west side of town I go. I get there and yes they do have my trailer.

After dicking around with U-Haul, it is now 10 minutes to 4:00pm, so I call the Mitsubishi dealership and tell I am running late, they say fine, just get here as soon as you can. I got to the dealership at almost 4:30 when they tell me they will not do the maintenance on my car, even after telling me 30 mins ago that as long I was there before 5:00pm it would be alright. On top of that, they can't get me a new appointment till Friday. Fuck them! I will take my business elsewhere.

Needless to say at this point I am royally pissed off. With all the BS with U-Haul, a very well planned and what should have been a productive day, has turned into shit. There is no way that I am going to be able to leave tomorrow as planned, so the I will have to re-work things to leave at the crack of a dawn on Thursday, and try and make up time.

I will have to call Stephanie tonight and let her know the change of plans. I spoke with her for a short while last night, and let me tell you, nothing says "Hit the road jack" like the words, "I started packing your shit". Well, I guess that is a pretty final statement, and tells me right where I stand. The world is a much bigger place from down here! Well what am I going to do? Just roll with the punches and try to soften the blows. Maybe I can get a job as a speed bump?.........

Long Road, Final Stretch

Yes, I know, no posts since Thursday. It has been a frustrating and difficult few days for me. So much to do still, and time is running out fast if I want to keep on schedule.

On Saturday I got my trailer hitch installed as it came in a littler earlier than U-Haul expected it to. I also had to move a few things around in my schueldule to accommodate some friends that wanted to get together before I left. I moved my car servicing to Tuesday and was able to arrange to get my trailer pick-up moved up to Tuesday as well. I decided that I might want the extra time to load things up so I can leave on Wednesday as planned and still be well rested. Worse case, I will leave on Thursday, but I should still be able to make it to Cali by the 22nd.

Stephanie informed me that she might not even be there on the 22nd as planned, so that could really screw up my plans with starting my job that following week if I choose US Express, but I will make it work. No choice really, as she changed the locks so my key won't work. Apparently, the one doors starting eating keys a while ago and they had to be replaced (news to be, but I rarely got told anything anyway), at least that is what I am told. Really makes no difference to me, as I would like to see her at least one last time before we part ways.

Yea, I said part ways, the hope that we would work things out is dieing quickly with every conversation with her. I guess you can only hear the words, "It is over", so many times before you have no choice but to accept it. She has made up her mind, and nothing I say will make any difference at this point. I just hope it is worth it.

Over the weekend, Eight of my friends took me out to the bar for a farewell party, and on Saturday when we all woke up we had a big BBQ and went to the fair that was in town. While it was nice to get out and do something, the majority of the time I found myself thinking of Steph. She hates social gatherings, almost to the point of being Xenophobic, or Sociophobic, but I still miss her company. Guess I better get used to it.

Today I will be calling all the utilities up and setting the disconnect dates for everything, and work on getting things packed. I am nearly done with the kitchen and will have it finished by tonight.

Well I better get cracking!

Change Is Not Always A Bad Thing

Today I had a few unexpected changes. First was with my new cell phone and it wasn't good. I decided to try out the "games" that I though came with my phone only to find out that it didn't come with any, I have to download them. Ok, no problemo, right? Wrong. No matter what game I want to have on my phone, from a impressive list I will agree, they all cost about $5-$7 each and most do not have a free demo either. I think that is pretty crappy. One of the other applications I thought would be really helpful would be weather on my cell phone. The description states that it will give me the weather "on the go", but that is not exactly true, I would have to type in exactly where I am at anytime I wanted a weather report from my phone. You would think that with all the GPS capabilities that is built into this phone that they would have weather software that would retrieve that info and give me the weather for the area provided by the GPS. But no such luck. I will send Verizon an email asking about something like that in the future.

The one other thing that drives me nuts about my new phone, and I wish a store had one for me to look at before I bought this one, is that the address book makes a new entry for every number you enter in it, even if it is a second number for 1 person. Some people I know have 3 phone number (Home, work, cell) and email address, plus text message email. That makes 5 entries in my phone book. Ridiculous. On top of all this, is the fact that the batter life of my phone really seems to suck! So I will have to start considering getting the extended battery for it, another $40! Maybe I can bitch to Verizon about it and get it for free or for a reduced price, cause it defiantly is not living up to the touted battery life.

The other change was with my trailer hitch install, Uhaul called today to say they got it in earlier than expected and can install it tomorrow at 11:00am. Sweet. And the carpeting repair guy came today and fixed up the carpeting, YEA!! It looks much better and he even touched up my repair job some and that looks allot better as well. I will call the apartment manager and make my pre-move inspection appointment for Saturday and get that out of the way.

New Toys

What do you do when your down and blue? Retail Therapy of course!! Today I received my new cell phone from Verizon. It is Motorola V710 with a bluetooth wireless headset and I can't wait to try it out. But I have to as it is charging, Arg!!!!!!! Both the headset and the phone have to charge. The headset has about a 8 talk time and 200hr standby battery life so it will be interesting to see how it holds up and if it works like it is hyped up to.

In other news, I had to goto Uhaul today to get a box of bubble wrap to protect all my glassware and while I was there decided to check the status of my trailer hitch order. No surprise they didn't have it in the system! So after talking with the sales rep for a while and him making some calls he got it ordered overnight and it will be installed on Saturday. The best part is I got them to include EVERYTHING for the $2 more than what I was originally quoted for just the install alone. Now I get the hitch ball and the wiring installed all for the nearly the same price! Sweet!

On the packing side of things I have run into a conundrum. I am not sure what to pack up next, as I try to anticipate my needs for the next week. I guess i could just go buy some frozen pizzas and paper plates and start pack everything in the kitchen. I know my computer will be the last thing I will pack as well as my futon and coffee table.

I did get a call back from the carpet repair place and they are going to come out tomorrow sometime so that is good. I was getting worried as I really need to get my pre-move out inspection done ASAP. So I think I will plan to do that on Friday.

I am trying to keep a positive mind after a long talk with Stephanie last night. Just maybe it will be that it is "Always Darkest before the Dawn", however with my luck it will become "The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to the current energy crisis". Well, between now and the 22nd we will see what happens and that is all I can do is to wait. Maybe when we see each other and have a chance to sit down face to face and talk we can work things out to at least try and start over.

Life As Usual

Well today I can't really say I got much accomplished. I got my suitcase that I will live out of packed with the exception of what I use daily, and I got all my other clothes packed into a box. It is amazing just how many clothes I actually have, as just last month or so I was thinking to myself how I needed to buy some clothes.

I was also able to drag myself to get a haircut that I needed. They didn't do a very good job in my opinion. I asked for a short and tight square flat-top like I used to get in the military. But, as what usually happens, it is too rounded out on top for my liking. I have the hardest time getting a good haircut. I was hopeing that a clean haircut would make me feel a little bit better. But this one definitely did not produce the desired effect on my psyche. I thought about dyeing my hair black, just for a change. It was something Stephanie wanted to do, she thought it would be a good look for me, but somehow it just wouldn't be the same so I didn't get it done.

The other thing I did was make an appointment for Monday to get my car serviced in preparation for my 2,680 mile road trip. I can't afford the service that I would really like to get done so I am just settling for an oil change, wheel rotation, and 147 point inspection. At least that should point out any major or potential problems that I may have to contend with, and if it is something major, hopefully I can get it fixed or addressed before I leave. My car runs great, but I will be pushing it pretty hard on this trip with the tight time line and pulling a trailer that is 80% of its pulling capacity. I thought about having the transmission fluid changed as well but they want almost $200 to do it. I am going to call a few other service centers in the sounding area and see if I can get a better price on that service item. I would normally do it myself but I have limited tools, space and time.

The other thing I need to do tomorrow is call back the carpet repair place and make sure they can fit me in this week as I didn't get a call back from them today. In addition I need to buy some bubble wrap to protect my glassware and furniture as next week I will start taking all that apart and get it ready for the move.

Routine

Well I got a few things accomplished today. I ordered my new cell phone from Verizon and will receive it on Wensday. I also called a carpet repair place to get some work done on some other areas. Was quoted $50 so that is not bad and should insure that I don't get billed by my apartment complex for excessive wear. Hopefully they will be able to get out here to do the work by the end of the week, but we will see, I should know by the end of the day tomorrow.

I really wanted to get Stephanie's input on my cell phone choice as she has Verizon service, but she still has not returned any of my emails or taken my phone calls. But I am she might just be busy, or she might be trying to pack to move out before I get out there so she doesn't have to see me. I have no idea. It would really suck it that was the case, but she will do what she is going to do. She also might just be busy getting caught up with work after being out of town too, things usually get pretty crazy and backed up for her if she is even gone for 1 day.
I am sure it seems really stupid, but I really wanted to hear her voice, so much so that I even called her work line to get her answering machine. Pretty pathetic.

Things seem to get harder and harder as my move out day approaches. Today I am going to start packing, and find myself desperate for any distraction to avoid doing it. Even though I know it has to be done, it doesn't mean I have to like it.

Tonight I will once again begin what has become a nightly routine, take a couple of sleeping pills, have a drink with my new best friend Jack Daniels, and go to sleep and pray I won't wake up. But after a night full of painful dreams of a life that most likely will never exist again, I will once again wake up, tell god to fuck himself, and begin the cycle all over again. What a damn circle jerk.

I heard a song by Blaine Larson - How Do You Get That Lonely, I have heard this song a while ago and wondered the same questions at that time. But, I now find I can answer all of them with ease. Funny how life seems to answer all your questions, just never quite the way you would like to have them answered. Makes you wonder how the rest of those questions will get answered and how long you have to wait.

Just Surviving Today

Last night my dreams were nothing but a series of images from the past, sort of like in movies when they depict a person life flashing before their eyes just before death. I wonder if that really happens. So many things I wish I could go back in time and change. I wish I hadn't spent so much time away from home working and on the road.

It is funny, all the little things you seem to forget about after a time. All those little things, like roses for no reason, moonlight walks along a beach, or just sitting in a dark room curled up with your girl in front of a fireplace watching the flames dance and enjoying the moment, or even just a nice long night time drive with the windows rolled down with no destination in mind, just driving and being together.

I tried to take my mind off things and made a trip to 2 stores to look at cell phones as soon it will become my only phone number, but the sales people were worthless. They couldn't answer even simple questions as to if the phones were All Digital or Tri-Mode, much less anything else.

So I came back here, and all I can do is think. I am pretty sure this is what it is like to lose ones mind, but I can't do anything about it.

Tomorrow I will start packing everything but the essentials. I will buy some paper plates and such so I can start packing my dishes. Got to remember to buy some bubble wrap for that.

I have been trying to get a hold of Stephanie for a few days, but she hasn't been home or returned any of my emails or been online. I think her and her mom went to look at new houses in Oregon but I am not sure. Or she might just be avoiding me, LOL, who knows anymore. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day as I will have something to do.

Round As A Square Peg

Well today I worked on fixing a burn mark section on my carpeting. I was told that I needed to cut out the section and replace it. So I did, however it is clearly visible that a patch was put in, so I am going to have to do some more work on it so it is not so obvious

I also confirmed my appointment with Uhaul to get the trailer hitch installed on my car. I was quoted $187, but was given a price of $385 when I confirmed it today. I was like WTF!!! This is when they told me that my quoted price did not include labor or the wiring harness to hook up the trailer lights. The wiring harness is only $30, all the rest they want to charge me for labor! There are fucking nuts! I will wire the lights myself. It is an easy 5 minute job, and I have done much more complex work on my car.

Just A Hammer On The Nail

Well last night I went out to the bar and got good and toasted long before midnight. Didn't do a damn thing for the way I felt, and was just as depressed as I was before I got there. On top of that my dumbass drove my car to the bar instead of taking a cab, so around midnight I had to sober up before they close the doors at 3:00am. What a bitch that was. A total exercise in futility.

Today I really only got one thing accomplished, renting the CD-R burner, and making some music CD's to listen to on my long ass drive in a less than 2 weeks. It was a major pain too, because the disks that the computer place sold me with the CD-RW were crap. They would work fine as long as you only played them on a PC, but when I tested them on my car, my CD unit did NOT like them at all and refused to play them. So after bashing my head against the wall trying to figure out why, I went down to Walmart and bought a 10 pack of top quality CD-R's. Instant success! Car CD player loves them, and ohhh how good they sound. Have to love the Infinity sound system in my car. So I got that 1 thing accomplished, yea!
I was going to goto Home Depot and get the stuff I needed to fix a section of carpet, but I really didn't feel up to it. I swear if this damn depression don't kill me nothing will. I have no real desire to much of anything at all, yet I have tons of crap to get done.

Well maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Trying To Get It Done

Today has been a pretty tough day for me all around. I have been trying to get my apartment ready for my move out inspection and purchased some products to clean the place up some. I got this carpet spot remover to get the tough stains out of it and it works well, but cleaning the walls has proved more difficult. I had tried 3 different cleaners to get the tobacco stains off the walls to no avail. So I went to Home Depot and talked to their paint department, they suggested a product called TSP, and while it is been backbreaking work it is working better.

The fact that I haven't been able to get Stephanie off my mind all day today hasn't made things easier. Normally, moving is filled with a bit of sadness and excitement of your new home or the anticipation of returning home. But, unfortunately neither of these is the case. I hate this move as it will be the last home I will have for a while, it also is a constant reminder that when I leave here, I am on my way to leave to leave the one place I truly called home. I am sure things will be much worse once I move out of Stephanie and I's place. The almost pure finality of things will really set in deep then, and there will be no denying the truth. That move will be the worst of all, and I am already starting to dread it, even though I know I can't avoid it. Even if she just put my stuff in a storage unit for me to pick up, it will be pure hell.

I got a call back from the bank on that idea of taking a loan against my homeowners account today. Unfortunately I don't have a high enough of a balance to qualify to be able to take a loan against it. You have to have a balance of $20,000 before you qualify and I don't have near that much. It is something I never considered when I opened the account as I only need $5,000 for my VA benefits. Ohh well, was worth a try anyway.

Well now that I have finished scrubbing my walls and spot cleaning the carpeting, I think I will make something to eat, relax a little then go out to the bar.

See you tomorrow.

One Step Forward

Well today I got a few things accomplished, which is nice for a change. I got most of my paperwork for Crete Carriers completed and will have the paperwork for USX done tonight. I am still not sure which company I will go with yet, it kind of depends on things between Stephanie and I. So I will just have to see how that goes.

One thing that has been bugging me is that I still had not received my certification and card from the Highway Watch program that I attended while I was in school. Everyone else in my class had received theirs already, so I called them up and there are not sure what happened either but they are mailing it out and I should have that within a week or so.

The next thing on my list to get done was to obtain the police report or the accident report from my accident back in 2002. I called the California DMV records division but my report was not there, I never filed the accident with the DMV as my Insurance company stated they would do it on my behalf, but apparently never did. But I did track down the police department and will make a trip to them while I am in Cali to get the police report.

So things are coming along. I picked up some packing supplies and cleaning stuff to start getting my apartment ready for my move out inspection next week, and to start packing things that I don't need or will use between now and my move out date. The biggest thing I need to do is to fix a small section of carpeting that has a cigarette burn on it. I will just cut out the section and replace it with a spare piece that I have. Beyond that it is just some standard cleaning, spots on the carpet, washing the walls, etc. I will just pay the $15 fee to have the nail holes fixed and match painted. Maybe I can get my security deposit back. One of my readers, Mark J., had suggested that I try and get a loan from my homeowners account, and that is a good idea. I will give them a call tomorrow and see if I can do that. Thanks for the idea Mark!

One other thing I want to do is to rent a CD burner and burn some of my music from my PC onto CD's for my road trip to Cali, so that will be something else I will be looking into tomorrow.

Delays, And More Delays

Last night I was forced to shut down the comments section of the blog due to spam from one of my blog viewers, I am sure you can guess who. I received 20 email notification this morning. Apparently, when this poster can't cause the "ghetto drama" they want, they resort to name calling and vulgarities. I have requested that Blogger ban this posters IP address as a TOS violation, but that is up to them, their user ban feature doesn't seem to work quite right. So until Blogger informs me what action they want me to take and what they want to do, I will keep the comment section turned off. You can still send me email if you like, I am just not going to waste time dealing with children posting garbage. You the viewer should not have to deal with sifting through 20, 1 word, four letter word comment posts, and I have better things to do than spend 15 minutes a day deleting it. Hopefully blogger will improve their user ban feature soon and I will be able to turn the feature back on. I will put up a email link in the sidebar and will post any relevant post comments at the end of the posts for anyone that wants to add their comments until this problem is fixed, please be sure to list what post your commenting on to make it easier for me to match your comments to the post your are commenting on.

Stephanie and I had a nice talk last night and got a few things straightened out and addressed. We now at least understand where the other is coming from and have an understanding of how we need to communicate better in the future. That is always a good thing, as we both got a little out of line with each other and that is really not going to help anything, now or in the future, whatever that may entail. I will be more carefully in my posting of certain things in the future instead of letting my emotions control my posts. While I do try to reveal as much of what goes on in my little adventure of life, there are many things that I and Stephanie as well, do and will keep private.

I contacted US Express today and talked with a new recruiter that a friend of mine from driving school recommend I speak with as I wasn't getting anything accomplished with my original recruiter. The biggest obstacle with them is that they only run solo's 11 state regional for the western region, and I am not sure I want to do that. I really want to run 48 states. On top of that with my moving and all I will be forced to postpone most of the job front things till the end of the month when my moving is completed.

The one good thing about the 11 state regional is that it would keep me close to the west coast. At least that way if Stephanie and I do get things situated and want to work things out, I would be close enough to do that. I will have to talk with her on it and get her point of view, but I have a little time before I have to make a decision. I will be calling Crete Carriers today as well and see what is the deal with them now that I have applied for my hazmat endorsement. Crete also pays a little better than USX, but I will have to talk to them and see what I can run and so forth.

As far as moving goes, well that is an interesting topic. I am too thrilled at the prospects of shipping everything to Cali like I had planned. Too many things that can go wrong. so instead I am seriously considering having a tow hitch attached to my car and then just renting a tow-able trailer from Uhaul and doing it that way. This plan has the potential to save me an additional $300. I don't really like the idea of mounting a tow hitch to my Eclipse, but if I do it this way I won't have to leave anything behind other than my plants and my indoor tree. Additionally I won't have to worry about things getting lost in shipping or damaged. I would beat the life out of the UPS driver if my very expensive coffee table were to get damaged, and my dad can have my old bar stools for at work. so it seems like it would work better for all this way.

I really kind of screwed myself over with the homeowners savings account that I was going to use to buy a house this year, as I can't touch the money in it unless it is for the purchase of a house. That money would really come in handy right about now, but such is life. This is just another delay that will pay for itself in the future.

Always a waiting game, you hurry up to do something, then inevitably have to wait.