3 Days And Counting

Well today I stopped at the local library to use their computers to make a decent post. Where I am at in Wisconsin I am unable to use my cellphones web browser to make email posts, and therefore am limited to 130 character posts via text message. As I stated in my last post, my attempt to get my Hazmat endorsement put on my license has become a fiasco, even though I was told over the phone that everything was ready 2 weeks ago! When I got out here I called the DMV and they had no info on my Hazmat, even though I explained that I talked to a Jean there and was told that everything was ready. Apparently, someone was having a little fun at my expense as there is no Jean that works at the DMV office, and the DMV has not been notified that my Hazmat endorsement has cleared. So my next phone call was to the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration), who is handling my background check and fingerprints. Once again stonewalled. They know nothing either, and have to get some manager to look at my case, as the peons apparently just get paid to look pretty, not actually do anything. Ahhh, our tax dollars at work!!!

I will be at DeBoer on Monday morning to start orientation and training. It is about a 3 hr drive from where I am at, but it beats the 9 hr greyhound bus ride I would have to take otherwise. Of course there are always things one forgets to consider, that in hindsight makes perfect sense; like a sleeping bag instead of bedding, and an electric shaver instead of razors and blades. I am sure that list will get bigger as things progress, but I am not sure just how much more stuff my very large suitcase can handle. I was told to bring enough clothing for several weeks. Not a problem. I just don't want to bring so much that it becomes a problem, know what I mean?

On the personal front of things, Stephanie and I are once again able to have a civil conversation, and I really hope that we can keep it that way. I really find it funny that in the 12 years we were together, we never fought, yet after she left me, we have fought more than in all the time we have know each other. Odd.

something else that has me a bit befuddled is a conversation that we had last night. She had asked if she could have the use of my car, as it will only be sitting and not used while I am on the road. But this sort of brings up the point, that there are advantages to people being together. You share assets that you both have. I am not sure if it is my hurt pride speaking or not, but it seems to me, why should I go out of my way and expense to provide things for her that were not very important to her before she decided to leave? Other than the increased costs of my insurance and having to keep up the maintance on my car to handle the additional driving she would be doing, what incentive is there for me to do this? Not to mention, the logistical issues of me getting back my car when I want it. Am screwed up in the head here? Or am I making sense? Let me know folks, could use some outside points of view on this one.

The 4th will be Stephanies birthday, and I am not really sure what I am going to do for it. I thought about sending flowers, but what flowers does one send to their EX? So I am thinking I will just send a card.

HazWhat?

Hello from wisconsin! Called the DMV today to add my hazmat endorsment, that sent me to TSA who have no clue. Great!

Call Back

Things have been pretty un-eventfull, but tension is building as things get closer to my start date. I am flying back to Wisconsin on monday and a week later, it is off to orientation. So after Sunday I will updating my blog via email, and by computer when I get access to one.

I got a post card in the mail today from my US Express recruiter. It makes me laugh. I called him 4 times a day for a week straight, leaving 4 messages a day asking him to call me back. Never did, but he had time to send me a post card asking me to call him. WTF! Trucking companies are always saying how difficult it is to get drivers, well shit, I have an idea, RETURN THEIR CALLS! But I will call him back to let him he missed the boat. I will also call my Crete recruiter and inform them that I have choosen another carrier to go with. Crete was always on top of things, and called often to check on how things were progressing. No fault with them at all.

Big Road, Here I Come!!!

Well today I made the big decision, I called DeBoer and scheduled my start date, October 3rd!!! I have mentioned in previous posts why I was choosing between Crete and DeBoer, and I just like their freight routes better than the extra money offered by Crete. If it don't work out the way I like with DeBoer after a year I will look at going over to Crete, but I like everything I have seen and heard so far.

My training will be at their terminal near Stevens Point, WI and I am making arrangements to leave California on Monday. This will give me a week to get my license updated with my hazmat endorsement and get settled and ready to work.

Heads You Win, Tails I lose

Yesterday I got some great news. I was pre-hired by DeBoer! So now I have to choose between Crete Carriers and DeBoer. This is going to be a tough choice. Both are good carriers, Crete pays about $.05 cents more per mile than DeBoer does and has higher training pay. However this is put against the fact that Crete runs mostly East Coast where DeBoer runs a more true 48 states and has a better percentage of "No-Touch" Freight than Crete. Quite the coin toss, however I am leaning more toward Deboer as I feel they will run more in line with the way I would like to run, have terminals and drop yards where I have friends and family which should make it a little easier to visit them.

On the personal battle front, things have once again gone to hell. I talked to Stephanie last night about getting the engagement ring back which lead to a fight. Why a fight? Well I guess it is because I am not willing to believe her lies anymore and she doesn't like it. She has taken the "holier than thou" position, that this is all my fault once again, and that I have no right to feel hurt or betrayed by her. As a matter of fact according to her I have no right to feel anything, and should just give her anything she wants, they way she wants, and basically take it up the ass with a smile. Well I have taken it up the ass for the last year by her and, yea, no longer playing her game.

I guess one of her 2 new boyfriends/lovers or whatever, doesn't like fact that I would still be her friend after all this and so she is trying to make sure I won't even want be that to please them. Ohh yes, 2. That is the newest revelation. She is now "in love" with 2 men. Now where did I leave my "God I am fucking STUPID" tee-shirt at? Something else I have noticed, in every conversation, ususally in a fight over the phone, she likes to claim I am calling her a whore, yet I have never used those words or even alluded to that. Well babe, if your reading this, I would say your conscience is try to tell you something! Cause your the only one saying it, but that is your problem, don't try and make it mine.

Guys, stick with the 5 points of love, "Find'em, Feel'em, Finger'em, Fuck'em, FORGET THEM!" Best advice your ever going to get! People like to say that women are sweet caring creatures, but only the end part really applies, Creatures. Cold, heartless, and uncaring creatures. Love is a man's downfall, and a woman's game. If you play the game, your going to get burned, lose half of everything you own as well as 40% of your paycheck till she finds another sucker. I know, sounds hard to believe, but just look at the divorce statitics for proof. Only 5% of divorces happen because the guy did something to force the issue. If your already married, my advice is start working on an exit strategy NOW! At least then you might come out of it in one piece, and I promise it will happen. Mark my words. If your thinking about getting married, DON'T!!! That smiling to-be bride is all an act, she is smiling at just how stupid you are and that she has you right where she wants you. You want to find out just how much she "loves" you. Give her a cheap $100 ring, hand her a prenumpual agreement and see what happens. Ohhh, then it will a whole different story! Suddenly she will be pissed off to all hell, and will say anything she can to get you to give her a fancy $5000 ring and to drop the pre-nump if you really "LOVE HER". Doesn't it strike you as odd, that women say you only love them when they are getting something out of it? When for you the man, it is "all risk, hoping she will be your reward"? Even Vegas wouldn't take those odds. So why should you?

I can hear the critics already, I am just a burned cynic. The funny thing is they will say the same thing about you when you go through it and try to warn your fellow man.

Well that is enough of my soapbox, right ladies?

Life And Death

The past 2 days have been a bit eventful for me. The other day my dads Cocker Spaniel "Lady", knocked my dads dinner plate on the floor and swallowed a large piece of meat. That piece of meat got stuck in her throat to the point where the dog couldn't breathe. I tried to remove the large piece of meat from her throat but only succeeded in losing a chunk of meat from my finger! So I was forced to wait till our dog lost conscience then tried again. I still couldn't pull the piece of meat out, my came to where me and dog were in the front yard, and was able to push the piece of meat down her throat, but by this time she was no longer breathing. Being an animal person, I know animal physiology to an extent. With this knowledge, I was able to give our dog CPR, and knew exactly where to push on her belly to force her lungs to compress. After doing this for what seemed like 5 mins (I am sure it was only 1 or so) she finally started breathing on her own again much to my father and I's relief. We took her to the vet emergency hospital and after getting an X-Ray and blood test to check the amount of C02 in her blood, she was given a clean bill of health. Hell, the darn dog is doing better than my finger is!

On Thursday I got a call from Crete Carriers, and they have offered me a pre-hire. That is good news, as things are getting very dicey on the financial front of things. I also got a call from DeBoer, and am waiting to hear back from them as well. No matter what I will make a decision by the end of the month.

On the personal front, things have become confusing once again and I don't really know how to address it. I asked Stephanie for the engagement ring back, and that is when things got confusing. She stated that she didn't want to return it, in case she changed her mind or we found our way back to each other. But this is contrary to everything else she has told me, (AKA, move on dude, there is no light at the end of this tunnel). So what do I do? Do I just kill off that part of me that so badly wants to hold on to hope that things will work out later, and demand the ring back? Or do I keep hope alive, go on about my life (well at least what is left of it) and hope time is all she really needs and that we will work things out? I want to believe in that possible future, I really do. But am I just deluding myself? Trying to hold on to a fantasy that will never come true because I want it too so badly and love her so much. And if I do hold on, and things never work out, what will become of me then after holding on for so long? Is this MY leap of faith? I just don't know what to think or what to do anymore.

Love Is Just Never Enough

Sorry about the lack of posts lately but I have had a pretty hard few days. Stephanie and I have met a few times, and spent the night in a hotel on Sunday. It was a very enjoyable day and wonderful night, where we relived the way things used to be. For me it was filled with many mixed emotions. Sort of one last night for old times, and will be the last time we ever make love. It has been a very painful few days, that a part of me wishes she felt as well. I did my best to show her and make her understand how much I do love her, but I wonder if love is what she ever really felt or if she even knows what it is.

It is easy to leave someone that you have no true feelings for. I have broken off a few relationships that were fun while they lasted, but I never had any true feeling for those people, but I never lead on that I did either. You have to be very careful of using those 3 little words, "I love you", because people take those words to heart. I believed those words, and it is hard to learn that all I believed was not as it was presented. At least I now know why Stephanie resisted setting a wedding date. Guess, I should have paid closer attention to those seemingly simple reasons, and delays, and yet I still love her. Even after all this. We have one last thing to do to completely end our formal relationship and any future there ever could be of one. The returning of a precious promise a man gives a woman he loves, the engagement ring.

I wish she would have returned it when we spent the night together. I mean how many times can a person heart break before there is nothing left inside that can be broken? But it is the only way that the part of me that has hope can die along with everything else that has been slaughtered. I will never allow myself to go through this hell again. It just isn't worth the price, when Love Just Isn't Enough.

Above it all, I wish I could wake up from this awful dream called life, but then again.....everything dies.

Beyond the absolute destruction of my personal life, I have finally been able to make some head way on getting the police report from my old insurance company. I will have to wait till Thursday to get and fax it to my recruiters. I faxed all the paperwork that I had to get to my recruiters today, and will send the police report on Thursday. Then it is back to Wisconsin to get my hazmat endorsement put on my license, and choose a company, provided I get the pre-hire from them. I am still torn on how I want to run. Regional western, Midwest or nationwide. Other than my familiarity with the west coast and my family, and the fact that Stephanie has made it very clear she wants as little to do with me as possible and even staying friends is pushing things, I really have very little reason to stay out here. I think I will hold off on that decision till the time comes, but at least the ball is starting to roll once again.

Moving Forward? Maybe.

While Stephanie and I had a fight on Tuesday I am not sure it was a bad thing. Last night we were able to have a very good talk and it might be the breakthrough that we both need to establish where we go from here, and allow us to both move on. While I am excited at this possibility it is still up to her to embrace it. I have found , at least for myself anyway, that acceptance seems to come and go. I can accpet my new roll in things, but it only lasts for so long. Without the ability to embrace that newley accepted roll, I find that it quickly fades and have a hard time holding on to it. It is sorta of like my mind makes these things a limited time offer, either everyone gets on board or the offer expires and I and left grasping at straws once again.

Tonight I will find out if Stephanie and I are going to meet for the first time since our break up. I had asked if we could meet on Friday, get business done and have a simple lunch. Nothing more, nothing less. They say a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step. I hope that I will finally be able to take that fist step to moving on.

Pretty soon I will be forced to travel back to Wisconsin to get my license updated with my hazmat endorsement, and powers that be willing, I will be able to get the paperwork and other things ndone that I need to with Stephanie so I can finish my long application process to getting a driving job. Once I start working things will be much easier. I will not have all this idle time on my hands and hopefully will be able to establish where Stephanie and I stand. (knocks on wood)

Demons That Won't Let Me Be

I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like sword stuck in my chest, tears streaming down my face. At first I wasn't sure what was going on or where I was. But then it all came to me, it was a nightmare. One that hit just a little too close to home. It was pretty disturbing to say the least, but I know what the message was trying to remind me of. In my dream, Stephanie and I were still together I think, as she was holding our baby child (we don't have children, but I was looking forward to having one). She was saying something to me about how I didn't matter and how she didn't love me, and I called her a liar. She then said "I will prove it" and pulled out a knife and slit our child's throat and laughed.

Now while this was just a horrid dream, I know what my mind was reminding that the one person I wanted to have children with, and that hope was gone. Things like that you don't really think of in the midst of things. I am nearly 30, so my time to start a family is getting pretty slim. I hadn't thought of that with Stephanies leaving, but apparently my mind felt the urge to remind me. A memo would do just fine next time, really. So much lost, such great plans for the future destroyed all with 3 little words, "I'm Leaving You", and with it a destiny turned to dust. Like a pebble in a calm pond, the effects seem to touch everything.

Time is a precious thing, don't waste it and don't take those in it for granted. It is the one thing all the money in the world can't buy. Don't let your pride or fear make you do things that you will live to regret, because when you look back and realize all you have lost, it will be far to late to change it.

Dr.Jeckle & Mr. Hyde

What I thought was a really positive and good talk with Stephanie yesterday, today turned into a near fight in half the time. I don't know why she chooses to act this way, one day nice as can be, the next a total bitch. Yesterday I felt that I at least still had my friend, today I am not so sure of that. At times she acts like we are still best friends and the next she treats me like a murdering rapist who was just let out on parole. I had hoped we would be able to remain close friends and let the future be what it may keeping in mind the old saying "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it is meant to be". But it seems that I am the only one once again trying. Lately it feels like climbing a steep hill and she keeps moving the peak just out of reach. It is frustrating, which leads to anger, and I am tired of being brought to anger. It is not her I am angry at, it is the things she does and the way she does it that gets me upset.

For 2 weeks I have been patiently waiting for her to give me an hour of her time. But she has yet to do so for me, she has this time for everyone else, just not for me. I think I have earned an hour of her time. Am I wrong to think that? Am I wrong to think that after 12 years I should be worth 1 hour of her time? Is that asking too much? Apparently it is to her, which tells me just how I am regarded in her world. So it looks like I have not only been abandoned by my lover, but by a person who was my closest friend as well. I guess that should say volumes, when your not even worth a person as a friend, you become no one. Less than no one, a non-person. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Charles Manson had lots of friends and he was a serial murder, yet I have done nothing but love a woman and she doesn't even regard me or want me even as a friend. Now that is fucked up.

I guess Stephanie is taking a page from Shawn's email and burning the bridge just as fast as she can. I just wish she would have waited till I got off of it before hand. Ohh well, sucks to be me I guess.

Slow Turning Wheels

It has been a few days since my last post, not because I have been busy just the opposite, unfortunately. The holiday has caused more delays in me trying to get things accomplished. I am still trying to get my old insurance company to get me a copy of my accident report from back in 2002, but they are not sure if they even have the records anymore. I think they do, after all they did pay the claim. Now I just have to hope they will give me the info.

I have also had a bit of trouble finding some of my paperwork that got lost in the mix of my moving. That is the one thing I hate about moving, you can never find what you need afterwards no matter how carefully you are. I tried for a while today with no success, and will go back tomorrow and try looking some more.

Yesterday Stephanie and I had a nice long talk on the phone. I think I have made some headway to understanding some things, but others I still don't quite get. But I hope that after our talk we will at least be able to sit down and talk, at least that is what I got from the conversation. If that happens or not will be upto her, but I am hopeful that I can at least see her and we can get some things accomplished that needs to be done.

A viewer named Shawn sent this comment in:

Why do you want to see your EX so badly? She obviously doesn't care about you or she wouldn't have dumped you the way she did. Move on Maveric, your better off without her. I am sorry that might hurt your feelings for me to say that, but after reading your blog over the past few months, the way she played you, she is not worth your time. I know it is hard especially after a 12 year relationship, but it seems to me that you don't matter to her at all, and she damn sure doesn't care how you feel. Take care bro and keep your head up! Shawn

Thanks for the email Shawn. I guess to answer your question, it is because I need closure on this chapter of my life. It is like being told someone has died but it doesn't really hit home till you see them at the funeral at they are really gone. Same kind of thing. The other side of it is that I also need to know where I stand with Stephanie. Are we going to remain close friends, or is this a burning bridge waiting to fall into an abyss? Aside from that, I believe that Stephanie does care, I just wish she would have handled things differently, we have talked about that a little, well I have done more of the talking...but anyway.

I hope that by the end of this week we can get together and have lunch, get the business we need to get done taken care of, and have a chance to talk about where we go from here.

For a little site news, I have reformated the blog to fit a 1024x768 screen resolution. This should help keep things looking correctly and the sidebar where it belongs. I didn't noticed it was soooo messed up looking till I pulled the site up with another computer. If you all notice stuff like that, feel free to let me know, and if there is content that you would like to see let me know that as well!

Fun, Fun and more Fun

Ok, not really. I tried to make an appointment with the VA clinic mainly to get my perscriptions refilled only to find out that they now appear to have a 30day waiting list! I can't remember what VA clinic I used to goto here in CA, and the one person who would remember, most likey won't return any of my messages anymore. Well I guess she will eventually as I still have some of her stuff I need to give to her, but anyway....So, I will have to try and make a walk in appointment if I can figuare out which clinic is my primary care. I damn sure won't wait 30 days to get my perscriptions, especially my allergy meds as they have been bad the last few weeks.

Tomorrow I will have to go to my storage unit to find some of my paperwork and tax info to send off to my recruiter. I have also been trying to get info on if my hazmat endorsement is ready from the Wisconsin DOT but they don't even seem to know how their own system works and seem even more clueless about it as I am.

So that is the way thigns sit now. This weekend my dad aand I might goto a local casino and play Texas Hold'em Poker. Would be pretty cool and I wish Stephanie and I were on better terms so she could join us, but I guess that is not going to happen.